Season 1, Episode 7

Why does ABC feel the need to open every episode by explaining the house and how the game works?  They aren’t pulling in any new viewers at this point, and we all know how it works.  It’s not like there isn’t enough footage to fill the hour.  They pretend to create suspense by talking about who is coming back, as if we don’t all know that Jeffrey sent Mike home on Tuesday.  As they show the replay, I wonder if Mike still thinks it’s not his fault that he messed up the challenge.

We start with Kevin talking about how Jeffrey deserves to go home, and so do all of his friends who voted against him.  On the other hand, Andrea jumps up and down, cheering.  Andrea is incredibly smug, because she knows that ABC has rigged this whole thing so that she should win and there’s no way she’s in the bottom.

The next morning, they all gather in the living room as Ori tells them they have to dress as thrift store hipsters for the next 24 hours.  Erica tells us that “hipster” means wearing really ugly clothes in an ironic way.  Stephanie tells Kevin that he’s way hotter as a hipster than in his regular clothes.  This moves so fast, it’s so weird.  We learn that they’re having a date night - Andrea is inexplicably the chef, Erica is the water, Joy is busing tables, Gene and Kevin are actually on the date, and Stephanie is the soux chef.  Erica says that you can tell, based on the voting, what the viewers think of people.  She’s right, and that’s the only reason this isn’t 100% ridiculous.  I’m still mad that ABC screwed up the voting and went with the two highest votes, total, and not the highest couple vote count.  We skip the date entirely, so I don’t know why they even bothered showing 

Later, they’re all chatting.  Kevin used to do undercover work?  Good thing that’s over.  Anyway, he tries trash-talking Gene, and Gene tells us that his #Fanswers support everything he’s doing.  Andrea is a giant lying pot calling the kettle black.  Joy walks in and tells it how it is.  “Gene is overly confident and you’re manipulative.”  Andrea freaks out and starts screaming.  She’s crying about people attacking her character and calling her manipulative.  Stephanie and Joy called her out for some of her lies.  Andrea waves her arm and screams, “Roll the tapes!”  The tapes show exactly what Gene, Joy, and Stephanie said they did.  That’s awesome.  She starts screaming at them.  “People!  Get your conversations straight!!!!”  They roll the tape, showing that she said exactly what they all said she did.  She then says, “Wait.  Let me clarify.”  Nice back-pedaling, liar.  It turns into a huge discussion over Jeffrey going into limbo.  Andrea and Kevin call them all assholes, because they have no idea what strategy is.  Commercial.  *phew*  I need a drink - did I mention it’s only 8 am?

ABC shows us clips from the live feed, as if we didn’t suffer enough the first time.    Ok, apparently, we’re back to the show, but it’s that stupid pirate/parrot conversation where Erica says that she trusts Kevin more than Gene and that Joy is only around because of her relationship with Gene.  Guess I get a short typing break.  Back in the living room, Erica asks Andrea if she regrets getting married so early and having kids.  I guess she had two men fighting over her.  Why??  She chose because she loved her husband’s family more and saw herself fitting in?  What?  Why didn’t she choose the one that she loved and wanted to be with?  Andrea then tells us that you can make it work with anyone if you choose to put in the time and effort.  It helps if the other person feels the same way.  Erica is getting to know Andrea because she’s in love with Kevin, and Andrea is getting to know Erica to get her vote.  So…. this is the same woman who freaked out not 10 minutes ago about people calling her manipulative?  Shut up, Andrea.

Cut to Joy and Gene in the bathroom, talking about how she lost her virginity at 15.  She told us this story on the live feed.  Everyone found out, and the other girls freaked out and started vandalizing her house and shit.  That’s crazy.  She had to change schools… because she had sex once.  That’s ridiculous.  Anyway, she went nuts, started drinking, doing drugs, and hanging out with 30 year old meth addicts.  She’s glad to be alive, but she wants to give her daughter a better life.  This has nothing to do with the show, and could have been shown in a video.

They’re called to see who’s returning from limbo.  Fucking Andrea is dancing in the confessional and singing a song about how Mike is going to beat Jeffrey.  Ori tells us that the returning player received only 51% of the vote.  Wow.  And… commercial.

Let’s break the suspense now.  Jeffrey is back.  We all know it.  So, I’m hoping that, if the losing team captain managed to get 49% this week, maybe the losing team captain will get 51%+ next week?  Fingers crossed.  Kevin is sad.  Awww, whatever Kevin.  Erica is ecstatic.  Jeffrey says he’s never doing that again and reminds us that he did it to keep Andrea from being Team Captain.  Jeffrey, the fact that you all hate her doesn’t mean that the viewers do.  Gene pulls Jeffrey aside to talk to him, and that leads Kevin and Andrea to talk smack about Gene for awhile.  Joy tells Jeffrey how Erica went crazy when he was gone.

Later that night, before the team captain reveal.  Gene predicts Kevin and Erica.  Kevin thinks it’ll be him, not Erica.  They’re both wrong, so it doesn’t matter.  Kevin tells Andrea that Gene is full of shit.  She’s such a bitch.  Stephanie reminds us that Jeffrey went to limbo solely so that Andrea would not be immune.  It didn’t work, so that sucks.  Joy and Steph are the captains.  I’m pretty sure @TGHDarthVadar is right and this whole thing is rigged for Andrea.  There’s no other explanation.  Anyway, we learn that Stephanie had more votes than Joy, so she gets first pick.

Joy is understandably upset.  She’s crying and trying to figure out what she did wrong.  She just wants to sit in the chair and mope, while Gene gives up comforting her.  Kevin and Andrea go into a room to cheer.  Andrea does that dance that makes me want to beat her to death with a shovel.  She’s so horrible - I don’t really understand how the viewers don’t see it.  There’s a moment where I think she and Kevin might kiss, which would be awesome (because it would show her as such a hypocrite), but I’m wrong.  Anyway, cut to Joy lying in bed being sad and Gene comforting her.  *yawn*   Oh, good!  Commercial!

The challenge - Steph picked Kevin and Erica, and Jeffrey chose to align with them.  Joy has Gene and Andrea.  Did she say that “Andrea thinks she’s a good athlete?”  That’s funny.  anyway, it’s some kind of ski-ball relay challenge.  I expect Gene to kick ass at this, given the bowling game early on.  They tell us that there is a “prize” cup.  One of the prizes is a science kit - Stephanie gets really excited, but everyone else just looks at her.  Jeffrey tells us that, since he was the last pick and there’s an uneven number, he’s just the cheerleader.  He’s an awesome cheerleader, though.  Kevin tells Erica not to sprint to throw her balls.  Interesting.  Is he being nice, or does he want their team to lose?  Kevin wins $3k and cariactures of the cast, and a science kit, and $2k?  But he can’t get any of the balls in the slot that will help his team ACTUALLY WIN THE GAME???  Uh-huh.  Eff you, Kevin.  Andrea just makes fun of Joy’s running, because she’s an evil skank.  Randomly, I like the link asking me to recommend this video on Facebook.  Why would I do that to people I like?  Ok, this challenge is actually pretty cool.  Anyway, I already know what happens, so I can tell you while I’m watching that Stephanie’s team won.   Joy is sad.  I’m glad there are only 12 minutes left.

Back in the house, Joy tells us that everyone is expecting her not to come back.  Joy, honey, it’s not your fault.  The way the show is set up, the team captain never comes back (I pray that, this time, I’m wrong).  Erica assures Joy that she never had any intention of voting for Gene, and that she swore up and down to Andrea and Kevin that she couldn’t break her word to vote for Gene.  I wish I hadn’t seen that conversation, because it makes me upset with Erica.  Back in the living room, we see that someone drew caricatures of all of the players.  They’re really good, and the players are happy.  

In the bedroom, Erica is telling Kevin and Andrea that she doesn’t want to vote against Andrea, even though she thinks she’ll be back.  She says that she has obligations.  Kevin says that he’s leaving if Joy comes back and they don’t break up the Showmance.  Erica thinks the entire thing was calculated.  Joy is talking about how Erica is a crappy friend.  Then, we see Erica showing us that she is a crappy friend, and she’s telling Andrea that she’d rather have her than Gene.  This is cut so that it’s hard to tell which room Steph is actually in, but I think she’s listening to Erica, and she’s stunned.  The next day, Joy is talking to Erica about how, if their team lost, there’s no way Joy and Gene would have voted against her.  Joy reminds Erica of her word, and Erica acts like she didn’t just promise not to send Gene to limbo.  Joy tells Erica that she’ll take it as a personal attack if Erica vote against Gene.  I understand why she’s saying that, although she doesn’t phrase it in the best way.  Anyway, Erica sees that as choosing Gene over Joy, which isn’t really what it is - it’s acknowledging that Erica has turned into a backstabbing liar.  This is so sad and painful to watch.  Anyway, commercial.

Oooh… Nashville!  Coming soon on ABC!  (What?  It’s got to be better than this.)  When we’re back, stupid fucking Andrea’s family comes up to give the #Fanswers.  I refuse to watch.  Is it super awkward for Kevin to watch this, since he’s so in love with her?  Kris is exactly as not hot as I thought he was from the Prop. 8 picture.  The fans told Andrea that they prefer humble to cocky.  Erica is told, “no,” but I never saw her question, so that’s not helpful.  She says that her #Fanswer told her to vote for Gene.  Jeffrey is told that he and Erica should turn on Gene before he turns on them.  I randomly wonder if I would want to take my kids on a reality show.  Anyway, we see Andrea, Erica, and Jeffrey talking about the #Fanswers.  Erica is 100% voting for Gene, she doesn’t care about her integrity at all, so for once, Gene is not the swing vote.  It’s Jeffrey.  Jeffrey comes to talk to Stephanie about it, and she tells him that, if he votes for Andrea, he’ll force a tie - and we all know how Joy will vote.  Gene and Joy are pissed that three people voted for Gene, and I can’t blame them - it should have been only Andrea and Kevin.  They try to make this suspenseful by going to commercial with one stone left.  I already know that Jeffrey threw at Andrea.

Grey’s Anatomy is still on?  Really?  I stopped watching when I realized that I was so depressed after every episode that strangers were starting to worry about me.  Ah, well.  It’s a tie, so Joy picks Andrea to go to limbo with her.  Shocking.  Joy and Andrea head down the tubes as I pray, once again, that America is not fucking stupid.  In roughly 9 hours, I hope I don’t have to start crying.  We see Joy plead to help her give her daughter a better life.  Andrea says things, but I’m not listening.  I’m calculating whether she has more fans than Joy, Erica, Jeffrey, Gene, and Stephanie combined.  We learn that, next week, someone will be tempted into quitting the game.  I’m thinking Gene - if he’s really a mole (suggested by Apollo’s tweets), this would be an easy way of getting him out of the house.  Oh, well.  Live feed’s in three hours, so I have things to do.

Season 1, Episode Six

Ok, so I know that this hasn't aired on the West Coast yet, but nothing happened in this episode that I didn't already cover in the live feeds or predict from reading Twitter.  If you don't want to be spoiled, you're on the wrong site.  I want to save three minutes tomorrow and upload this now.  Anyway, onto the recap...

The recapper just called Holly the “twenty-two year-old virgin.”  Huh.  We’re reminded that Kevin and Mike are a bunch of jerks.  It then tells us who everyone else is.  I assume this was done in an effort to try to pick up viewers from Bachelor Pad, since Emily’s fans on The Bachelorette have been tuning out like crazy.  I know these people, so I sit back while ABC wastes more of my time.  I’m bored already.  That’s not a good sign.

                             

As Holly and Andrea goes down the tubes, Stephanie tells us that, for the first time since the beginning, “There are more wieners in the house than vaginas.”  Nice.  Kevin tells us in the confessional that he’s doomed if Andrea doesn’t return - way to support Holly.

In the kitchen, Jeffrey tells Mike and Kevin that he wasn’t the one who threw the stone at Kevin.  They decide it must be Gene, so Kevin switches to trash-talking Gene.  It’s al little refreshing, since he’s not talking about the girls for a change.  Jeffrey says that Gene is the biggest competition.  

Random cut.  Apparently, the girls decided to have a kissing competition with Jeffrey.  Erica starts.  She tells us that she was imagining kissing Kevin.  Kevin doesn’t look that happy.  Joy actually removes Kevin’s glasses and then mounts him before kissing him.  This is crazy porno tongue.  It’s, to quote Mike, “Dirty.”  Kevin and Mike both look appalled, yet strangely intrigued.  Gene does not look happy.  Poor guy.  The judges say that, with Joy, they got a “strip club gone too far vibe.” Joy wins for showmanship.  Erica wins for authenticity.  Joy wants to know what made Erica’s kiss more authentic, and Steph tells her that it was very porno.  Kevin tries to act like he didn’t agree and throws it all on Stephanie.  

The next morning, the players are called into the living room.  Ori tells them that the viewers were voting on walking backwards all day, or skipping everywhere.  Walking backwards wins, of course.  Stephanie tells us the results of matching the players up with their high school personas, and they all commit and walk around acting like weird high school students.  Erica- drama queen, Jeffrey - class clown, Joy - the tease,Kevin - the jock, Mike - the bully, Gene - class president, and Stephanie (surprise!)- the nerd.  At the end of the party, Erica says that Kevin has been flirting with her all night, and she is going to spoon with him, no matter what anyone says.  Erica climbs into Kevin’s bed.  Instead of asking her to leave, Kevin goes and finds Stephanie, and asks her to remove Erica from his bedroom for him.  What a pussy.  Stephanie is infinitely a better person than Kevin, so she went in there to ask Erica to share pizza with her.  Erica is humiliated and crying.  She leaves as Kevin says, “That’s the last thing I need.”  Erica climbs into bed in the friends room with Gene and Joy.  She’s really upset.  We cut to commercial, as she’s crying.

When we return, we’re at the toga party from last Monday night.  It’s actually been a few days, but we don’t see that.  Erica is upset with Kevin for having Steph pull her out of his bed.  He tries to say that he wants to make bad decisions sober, not bad decisions drunk.  Then he’s all douchey about how he made a mistake.  He promises not to hurt her feelings.  Mike tells us that Kevin is “1000% uninterested.”  Joy says that maybe Kevin should tell Erica how he feels before having Mike tell all of America.  She’s got a valid point, although I don’t think it came out right.  I’d rather have a guy break up with me in person than have his friend do it behind my back on national TV.  Anyway, Joy goes to climb into bed to pout, and Gene tells Steph that he’s decided to sleep in the solo bedroom for one week.  They’re hanging out, chatting, as Joy watches them through the curtain.  Nothing is happening, but the weird camera angles try to make it look like it is.  Joy yells at Gene, and pulls all the blankets off the friends bed to go sleep on the couch.  Gene has no idea what he did wrong.  You’re not the only one, Gene.

Erica walks in, and Joy tells her what Mike said.  Erica goes off to confront Mike.  Mike admits to telling Joy that Kevin couldn’t be less interested in her.  She asks Kevin point-blank how he feels.  He non-answers, and Mike tries to explain to her how Kevin feels.  Are they really in high school?  Then Kevin says that he and Erica spoke about it outside.  She’s upset that Mike told everyone.  Joy and Mike have a big fight, again, about how Mike is a complete jackass with no sense of appropriate behavior or boundaries.  Now that I know what all of his censorship tweets are about, I agree fifteen times more with Joy.  

Ori calls them into the living room.  Holly and Andrea come up the tubes, and Holly goes back down.  I knew this was coming, yet I’m still sad.  I’ve decided to spend the rest of this recap pretending Andrea doesn’t exist.  When I write SnootyBitch, you’ll know who I mean.  We see SnootyBitch talking to Kevin.  He tells her that Jeffrey came to them and told him that he wants Gene and Joy out.  They also claim that Gene is two-faced for voting for Kevin - the viewers told him to, basically.  Whatever.  Gene really is getting a bad edit.  Anyway, he makes a comment to Joy about how the viewers will keep her around to make him happy, and she gets all mad and says something like, “I’m not your concubine” and storms off.  That’s hilarious.  Everyone else thinks so, too.

Move to the Team Captain reveal.  This is interesting, because it’s only 25 minutes in.  Last week, we got this at 10:48.  Oh, well.  The lowest two are Stephanie and Mike.   Kevin is surprised.  Stephanie has the least votes, so Mike gets to pick first.  In the confessional, Mike is so excited that Stephanie is in the bottom, and Fuckingwhorebitchassfaceslutbombskankysnottyprude is in the background dancing and squeling like a stuck pig having its first orgasm.  God, I hate her.  

Back in the living room, everyone is surprised.  Gene tells us that the viewers made a mistake and they need to get to know the “real Stephanie.”  If you watch all the live feeds you see her, and she’s great, but I doubt anyone but me is watching the live feeds.  Steph is really upset.  She’s talking to Joy, trying to figure out why she’s in the bottom.  She’s worried that she’s not being open enough and that she’s too reserved, so the viewers don’t like the logical side.  The next morning, they draft teams.  Mike does not want Kevin on his team, because he knows he can’t beat Kevin in limbo.  He picks Gene.  Oh, Mike, you can’t beat Gene, either.  Steph winds up with Erica, Joy, and Kevin, and Mike gets Jeffrey and Andrea.  Kevin acts surprised not to get picked.  Stephanie is suspicious that Mike didn’t pick Kevin.  In the bedroom, Kevin is telling Mike that his team has no reason to want to win.  That’s why Mike probably should have picked Kevin.  Anyway, Mike ponders his folly as we head to commercial.

We’re back.  The challenge.  The teams have to decode a series of clues to reach an answer on one final question.  The winning team puzzle solver gets a prize.  Stephanie reminds us that she loves puzzles, so she wants to be the puzzle solver.  I’m not really sure this is so much puzzle solving and more matching shit.  It’s weird.  They call out words and roll around and then Steph gets a bunch of pictograms to put together.  Kevin tells us that the idea of throwing the challenge never occurred to him, solely because he never wanted to go against Stephanie in limbo, and he knew he was going if they lost.  As I’m looking at the challenge, it wouldn’t have been easy for him to throw - he’s working with Erica, spinning on a wheel.  It would have been super easy if he was working against her.  Anyway, team two enters.  Mike says that Gene is a brilliant guy, and the best one to be puzzle solver.  In confession, Jeffrey admits that he was trying to figure out how to mess it up while on the wheel.  Gene actually does rock the first clue - he gets it without going through all of the clues.  But Mike claims that, watching Gene, he was acting like “a drunk tree sloth.”  We do see one of them that’s wrong, which Mike should have caught, but he missed it.  It’s clear from the video that, while Jeffrey is not trying at all, the one Mike messed up was responsible for a huge loss of time.  Why am I recapping this?  Does anyone care?  My favorite part is SnottyBitch scrambling and pulling as hard as she can to spin the wheel, and Jeffrey just sitting there, chilling.  He’s not even touching the wheel.  Mike is freaking out and bitching about Gene as we go to commercial.

                 

Back in the living room, we learn that the bonus prize for the puzzle solver was a VIP package for two at Cesar’s Palace and Celine Dion tickets.  I want to go!  Anyway, Stephanie’s team did the challenge in just under 12 minutes.  Mike’s team took 17 minutes.  I wonder how much of that was wasted by Gene looking for the “-ers” after Mike wrongly told him to use it.  Anyway, Stephanie is really excited to be going to Vegas.  Cut to Jeffrey telling Stephanie and Erica that he’s thinking about volunteering for limbo to bump Mike out and try to force Andrea into being Team Captain.  Stephanie thinks it’s too risky.  I realize that huge risks come with huge rewards, but… I don’t know if I would do it.  I can appreciate Jeffrey’s point of view, but I’m a little afraid.  Erica’s worried that the viewers would vote to Mike purely to screw them, but Jeffrey thinks that the kind of people who watch this show would go for it.  Mike tells us that he’s thinking a lot about his kids, and he let them down.  Quit, Mike, quit!  DO IT!  DO IT!!!  Mike goes back to blaming Gene for his loss.  Mike is talking to the pictures of his kids.  Weird.

After the break, Andrea is sure she’s going to limbo.  She and Kevin vote for Jeffrey.  Erica also votes for Jeffrey, but she’s sad about it.  She’s afraid, but he said it was what he wanted to do.  We see Jeffrey vote for himself.  I hope this pays off, Jeffrey.  Everyone voted for Jeffrey.  Mike is happy, and Kevin says, “You got your wish.”  UGH.  I sincerely and desperately hope that Mike does not come back.  Erica is crying as she says good-bye to Jeffrey and Mike.  I hope this is the last time I ever have to see Mike’s face.  Nope - now he’s going off on Jeffrey volunteering for limbo and insisting that we not reward that behavior.  I will always do the exact opposite of what Mike tells me.  Jeffrey tells us that he’s trusting in the viewers.  He hopes it pays off.  Me, too.

Season One, Episode Five

We start where last week left off, with Andrea and Kevin going down the tubes.  Stephanie tells us that they didn’t want to put Mike in limbo, because they didn’t want to give him immunity next week, and they’re hoping he’ll be Team Captain.  Mike tells us that they’re targeting Gene next, and Andrea confirms it.  As soon as Kevin goes down the tubes, Andrea starts sucking up to Joy.  In confessional, she tells us that she would ditch her alliance in a heartbeat to win the game.  She’s desperately trying to get Joy on her side.  Joy says that it’s ultimately up to the viewers, not her.  Cut to Mike, telling Holly that he would allow Stephanie into their alliance if they needed to increase their numbers.  Holly says that Gene is playing everyone.  Then, Mike trashes everyone else.

In the living room, Ori tells the players that we have voted to have Gene and Jeffrey swap clothes for 24 hours.  Jeffrey, “At least it’s physically possible.”  That’s a really weird outcome.  Why not something like Andrea and Joy?  Holly and Gene?  That would be funny.  Anyway, Jeffrey comes out in one of Gene’s hats, and Gene is wearing Jeffrey’s clothes, complete with wig and huge pink sunglasses.  Gene tells us that the glasses match his socks.  It’s hilarious.

Next, we see Stephanie on the exercise bike as Andrea tries to convince her to turn on Gene.  Steph can tell that Andrea smells like desperation.  Cut to Steph, Erica, and Joy spooning and discussing what a sneaky bitch Andrea is, and how she and Holly are going to work to break up their group.  Then, they go outside, where they’re talking to Gene about his “lone man” status.  Erica doesn’t like that Gene won’t commit to a vote upfront, even if he’s voting the way they’re asking him to.  I can see both sides on this one.  He’s keeping his word.  If he has his reasons for wanting to hold his vote close to the vest, as long as he comes through in the end, there’s no need to doubt it.  They have the numbers.  They shouldn’t be freaking out.  

Back in the kitchen, Stephanie tells everyone why it’s better to have Ashley back.  Erica calls her a phony. Why is she wearing sunglasses inside at night?  This somehow turns into them confronting Holly about telling Andrea and Ashley that she’s jealous of them and they should work out more.  Holly denies it, then we see the video clip of her saying it, and then Jeffrey tells her that Andrea said she said it.  Holly goes from “caught in a lie” to on the offensive instantly.  She starts screaming that they’re all jealous of her for being so beautiful.  Stephanie looks mildly amused at the ridiculous things coming out of Holly’s mouth.  Joy tells Holly that the things she’s saying are ridiculous.  Cut to Andrea, standing alone, whispering, “This is what happens when you drink too much.”  That’s funny.  I don’t know whether Holly is drinking today.  Anyway, after Holly gets called out for calling all the other fat and saying that they’re just jealous of how beautiful she is(n’t), she gets very upset that the others inform her that it’s a load of crap.  I personally would rather look like Erica or Stephanie than Holly.  Her face looks like a foot, and that body won’t last forever.  I had that body at 21, too.  Anyway, Holly stomps off to bed, and we go to commercial.  

When we return, Holly is bitching to Andrea about how the other girls are so jealous of her.  She says some bullshit about how she had to turn her “I <3 Jesus” hat around because of everyone else’s negativity and jealousy.  The hat was backward before the argument started.  The Irony Fairy explodes and dies as Holly calls Erica an idiot.  Joy comes in to talk to Holly.  It sounds like she actually wants to discuss the issue, and things are going OK, until Mike butts in and starts swearing and yelling at Joy.  She gets upset, understandably, and tells him to stop cursing at her and acting like a child.  Holly is trying to take focus off Mike by sending Mike away, so she and Joy can talk.  Joy is on FIRE!  Gene tried to calm her down, and she just shook him off and stalked away.  In the bathroom, she’s crying, and Andrea comes over to apologize for Mike and hug her.  Of course she did.  Andrea tells Erica that she just wants to support and defend Joy and Holly both and she doesn’t know what to do.  Erica tells Andrea that she doesn’t trust her, and if this is her trying to play the game, it’s not going to work.  Andrea looks pissed, but she’s so sneaky, how can she blame them for not trusting her.  Also, when Erica said that she didn’t trust her, she just rolled her eyes, which is not the reaction of someone who is really surprised or offended at a comment.

In the backyard, Gene is lying on the grass.  Joy goes to apologize for brushing him off.  They snuggle, so it appears that he accepted her apologies.

The next morning, we find that Gene and Joy are in the Friends room, and Jeffrey and Andrea are in the Enemies room (again).  Gene offers to sleep on the floor, but says that he will snuggle until time to sleep.  Joy promises not to try to seduce him.  I suspect she is not being 100% truthful.

In the living room, Erica is telling Jeffrey that she doesn’t trust Andrea.  Cut to Andrea, bitching to Mike and Holly about Erica.  Gee, I wonder why Erica doesn’t trust her?  Cut to Joy and Gene, snuggling in the Friends room.  Joy puts a pillow over them and says, “It’s our little secret.”  They’re kissing!!  Then, she builds a “Weiner Wall” with pillows to protect Gene from accidentally taking her virtue in the middle of the night (or something).  The next morning, they’re all snuggly and cute.

In the confessional, Andrea tells us what everyone knows, which is that she has the best show in the game with Kevin by her side.  We watch Ashley and Kevin come up the tubes, and Ashley slides back down, screaming, “Live is good!  God is good!  Good luck!”  Ew.  Andrea and Mike are delighted to see Kevin back.  No one else is that happy.  In confessional, Erica says that it seems pointless to try to convince the viewers to vote Kevin out.  Immediately, he goes to Mike, Andrea, and Holly to talk about how they always need to take the high road, and not be like everyone else.  I guess taking the high road involves things like kicking Joy and Steph out of the room when they enter, making out with Erica and ditching her AGAIN, and basically talking shit about the other players behind their backs all the time.  Oh, yes, Kevin.  I’ve seen the live feeds.  

Cut to Jeffrey, talking to Kevin and Mike about any suggestions that they might have, keeping the lines of communication open, and telling them that he has no problems with them.  We then see him and Erica in the kitchen, with Stephanie, talking about how that was fun.  After all, Andrea did the same thing to them.  Erica tells Jeffrey no more kissy-face.

Time to reveal the Team Captains.  I love Stephanie’s shirt.  The Captains are Holly and Mike (of course).  Kevin is not happy.  He can’t figure out why the viewers don’t like them.  Could it be because you’re complete assholes?  Did you ever stop to think that maybe the viewers see more than you think they do?  Holly is disappointed to be Team Captain again.  She’s worried that she values her relationship with the viewers more than they do.  In any relationship, Holly, one partner cares more.  Mike says that he’s willing to take TeamAwesome, because Holly did it last week.  Holly agrees, for obvious reasons.  In the kitchen, Gene is asking if they’re going to throw another Hail Mary and try to get one of them kicked out of the house again.  It’s their only play, but it didn’t really work for them last week.  Erica says that she’s annoyed that Team WackaDoodle is monopolizing so much of Kevin’s time, as she really enjoys looking at him, and she can’t.

With 17 minutes remaining, they head into the challenge.  I still think we need two episodes a week.  Mike chose Gene, Erica, and Jeffrey.  Holly chose Andrea, Mike, and Stephanie.  She’s a fucking moron.  Does she remember last week at all?  Anyway, Joy was the last man standing, and she chose Team Mike.  I imagine that was to help ensure a victory and force two people on the other team into limbo.  The challenge involves a slingshot and a windmill.  They’re using catapults to shoot balls at glass windmills.  It seems like the team with an extra person would have a pretty obvious advantage.  Andrea tells us that she’s sure she’s going to limbo if her team loses.  I’m not so sure.  Holly team was kicking butt when they were using catapults, but halfway through the game, Ori tells them that they can switch to slingshots.  Mike missed the memo that his team was supposed to lose, because he starts killing the other team with the slingshot.  On Holly’s team, Andrea has not the slightest clue how to even load the slingshot.  I think Mike just deliberately sent Holly home.  He’s ecstatic to have won.  Andrea is less happy.  Holly doesn’t look thrilled, either.  I think she knows she’s going home.

We see Andrea and Holly talking about limbo.  Mike tells them that it’s a bittersweet victory.  You were supposed to lose, dickweasel.  I guess I should be glad that the alliance of assholes is so incompetent.  Cut to Erica, Jeffrey, Stephanie, and Joy talking about who to send to limbo.  Erica thinks it’s a dick move to send Kevin again.  Jeffrey doesn’t want to give Andrea immunity from being Team Captain next week, because he thinks she’s more likely to be in the bottom two than Kevin is.  Cut to Andrea freaking out.  She’s crying, because she wants to go home.  Let’s help her!

Poor Erica still likes Kevin.  She can’t help it.  I feel bad for her.  She’s asking if he wants another week in limbo to give him immunity next week.  He says that he doesn’t care.  We saw this on Wednesday - he went straight to Andrea and Mike with it.  Whatever.  Ori calls them all into the living room, and Alex comes up the tubes with a giant duffle bag.  Erica is furious, because “You only bring a bag if you’re staying!”  Calm down, sweetie.  He’s probably just handing out the #Fanswers.  We head to commercial with 8 minutes left.  

The good news is, I can now say “Alex is a douche,” which I haven’t gotten to say in awhile. Alex is a douche.  He starts by apologizing.  He then tells them that the viewers told him to be a jackass.  He’s only there to give them their #Fanswers. I totally called it.  Jeffrey is told that it would not be a jerk move to send someone to limbo two weeks in a row.  There’s a weird cut to a picture.  Huh.  Joy’s answer is Gene.  She says that she asked if she should vote for Gene or Kevin.  Stephanie is told that we would rather see Sneaky Andrea in limbo than Shady Kevin.  We don’t see the rest, and everyone is very happy to wave good-bye to Alex.

Mike tells us that, shockingly, he’s voting for Steph again.  Uh-huh.  Everyone is astounded.  We see Gene throw his rock at Kevin.  Erica votes for Andrea.  Huh.  Looks like everyone else voted for Andrea.  That’s surprising.  She heads for limbo, and I hurry to go vote for Holly to come back.  In the previews for next week, we see that Erica tried to snuggle with Kevin again, and, instead of asking her to leave, he sends Stephanie to remove her from his bed.  Niiiiiice, Kevin.  Trying to be a bigger douche than Alex?

Season 1, Episode 4

The season starts with ABC reminding us of Kevin’s douche-baggery last week.  Thanks, ABC.  I was nearly over that.  I see puppies!!!  OK, wait.  That’s coming up later.  The episode starts with Jeffrey walking down the hall, crying.  He’s very upset that Erica was sent to limbo.  Cut to Mike and Kevin calling Jeffrey a “fucking baby,” for crying.  Isn’t this the group of people who won’t shut the fuck up about people in the house name calling and bullying?  Oh, ye in Glass Houses…. are douches.  

Jeffrey is very emotional, because the Prop. 8 issue is very sensitive, and he’s saying that the problem is, everyone wants to support the nice, privileged white lady because she’s such a nice lady, and no one wants to stand up for the minority.  Andrea is pissed that she got four votes because of her religion and her beliefs.  She actually didn’t.  She got four votes for using those beliefs to try to keep other people down.  She’s the one who was saying that it’s OK to be gay, but not to act gay.  She doesn’t understand that it’s OK to believe something, but not to force others to believe it?  Hypo-crite.  Bitch.

Cut to Joy talking about how Kevin is such a jerk for voting against Erica.  Oh, here are Kevin and Mike again, talking about how they’re taking the high road by not calling the other players names.  Names like baby?  Crybaby?  Banana-brain?  Scientist as an insult?  Now, Ashley is telling Mike that Erica told her that it was more than a kiss.  In the confessional, Kevin is upset that Joy is attacking his character.  She’s actually acting his actions, which were jack-assy actions.  He goes to find Joy and drags her away to have a “talk.”  He’s already yelling about personal attacks.  He tells her that he had to make a decision, and asks if should never vote against other women?  She tells him that he should just limit himself to not making out with someone one day and voting them out the next.  He swears it wasn’t malicious and throws back, “Sorry that you’re crying.”

The next morning, Gene tells us that his heart is with his friends today, because it’s the one year anniversary of his best friend’s death.  Poor guy.  We see him talking to Joy about it.  He’s crying.  If he keeps talking about his friend, I’m going to cry, too.  They hug.

Oh, god.  They’re showing a commercial for the live feeds.  My eyes are bleeding.  Why does ABC hate me?

Now, we see Mike bitching about Joy calling him out on the live feed.  He thinks she’s using Gene to get ahead in the show, and she’s going to burn him.  He says that, if she really liked him, she would hold his hand, kiss him, etc.  She was offended, because she thought it came across as him thinking that Joy isn’t really interested in him.  Mike doesn’t see it, so obviously she must not be attracted to him.  He starts screaming about racism.  She asked if it was so hard to believe that the small, Playboy model could like the 6’7” black guy.  They immediately jumped to her calling them racist, which I don’t think is really the issue.

We see, shockingly, that Andrea and Jeffrey are in the Enemies room.  She refused to sleep with him, because he’s not her husband.  Jeffrey: “I fully support THOSE beliefs.”  Ha!  He’s very excited to have the bed to himself.  Kevin and Mike are in the Friends room, and they’re pretty excited by it.

They’re all discussing who is coming back.  Kevin, Andrea, and Mike are determined to be the final three.  I am determined to ensure that does not happen.  We see Kevin, again, saying that he hopes it’s Robin, because he needs her on his side  Not because he likes her, again, but because she’ll vote the way they want her to.  Robin and Erica come up the tubes, and we go to commercial.

We return, the lights go out, and Robin goes down the tubes.  Erica takes a deep breath, sighs, and says, “Please tell me someone saved me some booze.”  I love her.  She looks awesome in that green dress, also.  Cut to Mike and Kevin looking pissed, and Kevin saying that he wants a drink.  Damn, I want that dress.  I’d also like Erica’s boobs.  And her ass.  Erica and Jeffrey hug and celebrate that she’s back.  Joy tells Erica that she went around and told everyone what a jerk he is, and she seems very happy.  In the other room, Mike asks Kevin if Erica said anything to him when she came back.  Apparently, she wouldn’t even look at him.  I don’t blame her.

In the bedroom, Andrea is telling Holly that they were too cocky, way too soon, and that she has to try to play the other side to get their support.  She realized that the viewers didn’t like their alliance.  Holly says they should have tried to play nice while Erica was gone.  Yes, they should have.

Fanswers!  Delivered by puppies!!!  I want a puppy!!  Each puppy has a collar with a player’s name on one side and the answer on the other.  Holly hates dogs.  She is evil.  Go away, Holly!  Only child molesters and communists hate puppies!  They mess up her make-up!  (Yes, she said that.)  Andrea was told to remain true to her alliance.  Mike was told that he does not have more fan support than Stephanie.  He seems upset, but he has said since the beginning that she’s the one to vote.  Gene is told that the viewers see him more as a hero that they like and respect.  As the puppies leave, Steph asks to trade a puppy for Holly or Mike, but she worries that the puppy would get more votes.

                               

Ori announces the Team Captains.  Erica is immune.  The team captains this week are Ashley and Holly.  HAHAHAHAHA.  The viewers hate Ashley.  That’s so hilarious.  She’s been Team Captain every week that the viewers voted.  Kevin is upset, because someone on his team is guaranteed to go into limbo.  Interesting - I’m really happy, for the same reason.  Huh.  In the kitchen, Erica tells us that The Glass House is like high school, only older and wiser, with more apathy.  I heart her.  Stephanie is excited to see the that viewers dislike Holly and Ashley, because she’s the opposite of them.  

Ashley is in her room, crying.  She’s really upset to be in the bottom every week.  Now I feel a little bad for laughing at her.  Ok, I’m better.  She’s looking at pictures of her family and talking about being strong.  Gene comes in to comfort her.  In the confessional, Ashley goes on and on about… how this is just like Hurricane Katrina?  I’m not sure the other survivors would agree that being on national television, having all of your expenses paid, and competing for a huge cash prize is just like losing everything.  Gene tells her that, unlike some of the others, Ashley can go home with her head held high and know that she was the best person she could be.  I like Gene more and more.   Commercial break.

In the bedroom, Kevin, Holly, Andrea, and Ashley are bitching about how this is the “worst case scenario.”  Ashley suggests putting them all on one team, thus forcing one of them into limbo, and making them all turn against each other.  She makes this brilliant suggestion, but she thinks that, if her team loses, she’s gone.  I’m starting to wonder if Ashley is secretly diabolical, because she just guaranteed herself another week in the house.  They tell Holly to take all of the players from the other team, except Stephanie, and then lose the challenge.  I assume that they’re taking Stephanie either because she’s the smartest, or because they don’t think Holly could beat her in limbo.  So…. that tweet Holly sent about not forcing challenges?  A lie!  I thought she was done lying?  Cut to Mike and Kevin talking about how Holly is their sacrificial lamb.  Mike tells us that he doesn’t think Stephanie has the balls to throw a challenge, which may be another reason they kept her on their team.  Mike and Kevin tell Stephanie not to speak, unless spoken to.  What a jackass.

The challenge is to transfer balls across the arena, balancing them on discs. Then, they have to dump the ball into a triangle.  The first team to get three in wins.  In case you missed it, Team Ashley is Kevin, Andrea, Mike, and Stephanie.  They’re all arguing over what to do at the same time.  Stephanie doesn’t know who to listen to, because everyone is shouting.  She tries to suggest that one person give directions to the entire team, and they completely ignore her.  Cut to Steph in the confessional, practically crying, because everyone blamed her for the loss.  Dammit, Jim, she’s a scientist, not an athlete.  She did drop one, but she’s not the only one.  In the confessional, she tells us that she did not go out of her way to help the team communicate better, because she’s safe either way.  She’s not terribly concerned that her team might lose.  In case anyone was wondering, Stephanie is far smarter than everyone on Team Wackadoodle.   Cut to Team Holly: Gene, Jeffrey, Joy, and Erica.  The thing is, Holly is in the middle, which makes it difficult for her to throw the challenge - at least as effectively as Stephanie did by moving one side or the other.  In the confessional, Holly acts like she isn’t intentionally throwing the challenge.  I guess she thinks maybe ABC didn’t show us that part.  I can’t believe she doesn’t see that her team completely threw her under the bus.  After they’re done, poor Jeffrey falls down.  The disc they were carrying was really heavy, and he’s apparently not as strong as people might think he is.  Team Holly completed the challenge in 5:36 minutes.   Commercial (of course).

Team Holly won!  Team Ashley took 7:57 minutes.  In the confessional, Holly sends out a big “suck it” to everyone who underestimated her.  Does she remember that she was supposed to lose?  Erica gives Holly props.  In the bedroom, Mike is convinced he’ll be going into limbo.  I wish I could send him and Kevin.

                                

In the other room, Stephanie tells them that, before the challenge, Mike told her to “Shut the fuck up” when discussing the challenge before it started.  See?  She was following directions!  Jeffrey says that they shouldn’t send Mike into limbo, because then he can’t be team captain next week.  He wants to send Kevin.  Erica sings, “It’s super fun!  instant karma!!”  Once again, it comes down to Gene’s vote.  We cut back to the other team, talking about Gene.  Gene tells them that he’s still thinking about it, and isn’t going to decide way ahead of time.

Everyone on Team Awesome votes for Kevin.  Andrea votes for Stephanie, of course.  Gene is a smart guy - it would be stupid of him not to vote for Kevin.  Stephanie gets four votes.  Shocking - Andrea, Kevin, Holly, and Mike all voted for her.  We go to commercial with a tied vote at four each for Steph and Kevin, with one vote remaining.  After the break, it’s Kevin.  YAYAYAY!  Kevin and Ashley head to limbo as the episode ends.  I rejoice.  

Season 1, Episode 3

What we learn from this episode is that an hour a week is simply not enough to catch everything.  It jumps around, it’s confusing, it’s hard to follow in places, we only see fractions of what we want to see, and the live feeds don’t fill in the blanks at all.  ABC really needs to do two episodes a week, or make this episode longer.  Or both.  It’s just exhausting to try to watch.

We start with a recap of the last two weeks.  We know what happened.  Dude, it’s only been two weeks and we’re smarter than Holly, so it’s really not necessary.  Anyway, we start with Erica telling us in the confessional that she doesn’t think Apollo will be back.  Jeffrey doesn’t care if either of them comes back..  Kevin wants Holly back.  He’s telling Mike that all the people who aren’t in their group will turn on each other.  Then, we see Kevin, Mike and Andrea discussing how they will be the “trifecta” and that no one should know they’re a super-alliance. 

Cut to the living room.  Gene asks them to talk about their best relationship and why it ended.  Andrea mentions that she had a wonderful, four-year relationship before her husband, but she doesn’t say much else.  That’s probably good, because it would be really weird for her to sit there and talk about how her “best” relationship was not with the husband she gushes about constantly and to whom she is currently married.  Steph tells us that she married the man of her dreams, and they moved to Germany to have a fabulous life together.  One morning, he woke up, and he wasn’t feeling well.  She took him the hospital, just as a precaution - and he died.  It’s a horrible story.  She’s sobbing, Erica is sobbing, I’m sobbing (and I read it online weeks ago).  They were together just about three years, and they had just started talking about starting a family.  As everyone is staring, open-mouthed, not knowing what to say, Robin starts to tell a story about having a knife to her neck, and Erica tells her, basically, to shut up and not try to overshadow Stephanie’s very moving, personal, tragic story, with her made-up bullshit (Ok, Erica didn’t say that last part, because she’s more sensitive than I am).  Cut to Robin confronting Erica in the bathroom, saying that she wanted to empathize with Stephanie, not overshadow her.  I’m not sure how “My ex tried to kill me,” is similar to “the love of my life died overnight from an unexpected illness.”  They’re fighting about how Robin always makes it about her.  Well, see… Steph told a very personal story that had everyone in my room in tears.  Robin talks about someone trying to kill her. Robin then starts a fight with Erica about it.  And…. she’s not trying to make it about her?  WTF?  Because, what I see is that Robin is now the center of attention and everyone has stopped talking about Stephanie.  Bravo, Robin.  Way to not make it about you.  Cut to Robin in one of the bedrooms telling Mike that she’s crazy.  I believe it.  She’s doing this pendulum of crazy, swinging her arm back and forth with every syllable.  “I’m. not. this. per. son. and. I. can. not. do. it. any. more.”  Mike says he’ll pray for her, then runs off to tell Kevin that she’s fucking losing it.  He starts doing the pendulum of crazy, too, but it’s OK, because he’s just showing Kevin how fucking nuts Robin has become. 

Cut to the middle of the night.  Robin is scrubbing the floors, crying about how tired she is.  GO TO SLEEP!  STOP SCRUBBING THE FLOORS!  The clock keeps ticking.  At 5:00 am, she’s still sobbing and cleaning, talking about how she’s acting crazy.  If you know it, you can at least try to control it.  Or maybe lay in bed instead of staying up all night scrubbing floors.

This is very confusing, because I’m not clear on if this is the next morning or what.  It seems like it’s right after Stephanie told her story.  The editing on this show really is awful.  Andrea, Mike, and Kevin are bitching that Stephanie has an awesome story, and it’s not fair that she’s going to win the game because her husband died.  What the fuck?  Kevin says that the only way to beat her story is to tell about losing a child.  Kevin, you’re dead to me.  I appreciate, though, them all thinking that the viewers are too stupid to know how to vote, so they need to just choose the person with the saddest story.  I guarantee, I will never vote for either of them, so if these are the last two, I’m shutting off the TV.  Although, I would be happy if they just took their own advice and packed up and went home.  Stephanie now has a target on her back as the one to beat, apparently. 

In the living room, Holly and Apollo come up the tubes, and we go to commercial.  Holly is crossing herself.  Apollo goes down the tubes.  We discover that Erica was in the Friends room with Holly (who she hates) last week, and she she’s in the Enemies room with Jeffrey (who she loves) this week.  We are confusing Erica, people.  At least we’re accomplishing something.  Gene and Mike are in the friends room.  Interesting.

Back in the kitchen, Stephanie and Joy eating cake.  Cake fight!  Joy smears cake on Gene’s face.  In the confessional, she tells us that Gene is a sweetheart and any woman who “lands” him is a lucky lady.  It’s not 1950, Joy.  You’re both lucky.  Gene tell us that Joy is awesome and fun.  Peeking in the shower!  Anyway, he’s excited about the showmance.  Gene tells Jeffrey that he wants to marry J, even though she tried to make out with Steph the night before, apparently.  Why don’t we get to watch that?  Joy tells Gene that she likes girls and boys.  At the end of the night, Joy tells Gene to have fun cuddling with Mike. Gene, “That’s not who I want to cuddle with.”

Team Captain time!  It looks Holly is immune, because she was in limbo.  I’d wondered about that, and it actually makes sense.  It’s disappointing, tough, because it means that we’re stuck with her for another week.  When the team captains get down to Ashley, Robin, and Andrea, Ashley and Robin hold hands and say, “I love you.”  *gag*  At least this time, Andrea has a reason for looking pissed (I’m starting to think that’s just her natural expression).  Erica tells us that Ashley is really boring, and Robin is insane, so there are some very perceptive viewers.  So, we’re perceptive, but she doesn’t understand us.  Sounds like Erica would get along well with everyone I have ever met - people constantly tell me the same thing.  Oh, how I heart you, Erica.

Kevin, Mike & Robin, telling Holly that Stephanie, Erica, Jeffrey, and Joy spent the entire time Holly was gone making fun of her.  They’re clearly desperate to have her on their team.  She’s understandably upset.  Ok, maybe that video was a little mean, but Holly really is painfully stupid.  And she makes it worse by acting like she’s some kind of mastermind and telling them all how smart she is.    They gather in the living room , and we find out that they’re wearing mittens instead of earmuffs for 24 hours.  Andrea is so excited, because she can kill flies.  Why are there flies in the Glass House?  Jeffrey tells us that his favorite part of the Bible is “thou shalt not kill.”  It’s funny.  She starts bitching in the confessional about Jeffrey’s prejudgments against her.  WHAT THE FUCK?  He’s judging her because she actually took part in a movement to suppress his civil rights.  I will say, though, that I thought the “Thou shalt not kill” thing was a joke, not a judgment.  It was supposed to be funny.  I like Jeffrey, but I worry he’s making a target of himself by making the whole game about politics.  I don’t want him to get sent home (especially not before Andrea).

                                       

We move into the bedroom, where Andrea is talking to Joy, Erica, and Ashley.  Jeffrey walks into the room and Andrea tells him that, while people are born gay, they choose to act on gay tendencies.  Erica tells her that it’s like saying that people choose whether to eat.  She just keeps digging herself into a bigger and bigger hole.  She talks about separate but equal.  Jeffrey goes off, in the same awesome way he did in the video.  I might feel sorry for Andrea, except she’s a complete fucking hypocrite, and she brought this upon herself by insisting on talking about something where she’s completely, 100% wrong.  We again see Andrea bitch that Jeffrey is personally attacking her, and he tells her off.  Andrea is now crying about Jeffrey disrespecting her.  FUCK YOU, ANDREA.  Ashley tells her that Jesus was persecuted and she should… blah, blah, blah.  Shut up, Ashley.  Ten bucks says you’re Team Captain again next week.  They hug.  I’m not really sure why Joy’s in on this conversation, but they hug, too (she’s just sitting there, not actually talking).  We head out to commercial again.  Wow.  Half over, and we don’t even know what the challenge is yet.  Interesting.

When we return, everyone is drinking in the kitchen.  They are hammered.  Kevin tells Erica that she’s perfect and delicious.  Wow.  I make out with the guy who tells me things like that.  She tells him that he’s cute in that “jarhead, Midwestern home grown boy sort of way.”  Ha!  They start snuggling on the couch, and Mike glares at them.  Kevin says everyone else is just jealous because they found love in The Glass House.  He is freaking hammered.  Erica tells us, in confession, that she’s like a 7, and Kevin is totally slumming it, because he could have a 9 (cut to Joy) so she’s going to take advantage.  At the end of the night, Erica calls Kevin into her room.  It appears that he passes out while they’re kissing, but Erica starts laughing.  They’re having a good time. The next morning, she tells us all that it was a little weird.  She’s not trying to get a boyfriend out of this, but there’s nothing wrong with having a good time.  Kevin basically tells everyone that they got drunk and made out, which bugs the crap out of me.  Way to be discrete, jackass.  Anyway, Jeffrey’s faces throughout this part are hilarious.  It’s like he can’t believe that Kevin is bragging, on national television, about getting drunk and making out with some chick he doesn’t care about at all.  I actually can’t believe it, either.  He looks like a complete jackass (he will look worse in about 10 minutes).

Move to the challenge.  Robin tells us that she picked her team to win: Jeffrey, Stephanie, Erica, Andrea, and Kevin.  It was all about strategy and, unlike Apollo, not about people she could beat if she wound up in limbo.  That’s unfortunate, because I think the only person she could beat in limbo would have been Andrea (and I hope I’m right).  Ashley reminds us how The Glass House is played, because she apparently thinks we don’t understand how limbo works.  Oh, well, maybe she’s explaining it to Holly.  Her team is Holly, Gene, Mike, Kevin.  This is actually really annoying, because we don’t get to see them pick teams, and it all goes by so fast that I have to watch like three times to even figure out who the teams are.  Anyway, it’s unfortunate that Robin used logic and reasoning to pick her team, because the challenge is completely random, there’s no way to strategize, plan, guess, or whatever.  It’s really weird.  It’s also annoying, because no one actually really explains the game to the viewers, so I mostly have no idea what’s going on.  Apparently, they’re doing all the things we voted on last week.  Apparently, each team captain picks someone from the other team to do stuff, but they only get points if they correctly guess what the viewers voted for.  So, they don’t have to do the things well, or quickly, or… really, at all, as far as I can tell.  They just need to guess well.

Ashley picks Erica to bob for fried chicken in gravy.  Robin sends Gene to mix tuna salad with his feet.  I refuse to look.  Joy licks whipped cream off something….. Andrea gets a facial with peanut butter.  Jeffrey is throwing marshmallows at her.  He eats one.  Awesome.  You know what would be even better?  If they had explained this game.   Ori fails to tell them that the viewers did not, in fact, actually want to watch people do any of these things.  Anyway, Ashley correctly guesses that the viewers chose to watch her throw french toast covered in maple syrup at Gene, so she wins.  This is a stupid challenge.  It doesn’t make any sense.  Seriously, the best guesser won.  Ori informs Robin that she’ll be going to limbo, along with one of her housemates.  Erica looks stricken.  I send a quick prayer that it will be Andrea.  It is neither the first nor the last of my prayers to be ignored.  No wonder I’m not religious.

Erica and Stephanie are voting for Andrea.  Jeffrey asks Joy and Gene to vote for Andrea as a symbolic gesture, because he knows that everyone else is voting for Erica.  Jeffrey also tells Gene that, if Andrea comes back, America has spoken, and it becomes a personal issue.  Joy tells us that it’s not about politics, it’s about the game.  She and Gene are talking about not wanting to form an alliance.  Gene is the swing vote.  We learn that the losing team captain only votes if it’s a tie.  Kevin joins Robin and Mike in the room, and starts bitching about Jeffrey wanting Andrea out. There are lots of reasons to hate Andrea, to be fair.  Kevin says that he’s worried he’ll be branded homophobic if he doesn’t let the gay man win.  No, Kevin, you’ll be branded as homophobic because you’re siding with the well-established bigot, and you won’t stop talking about how awesome she is (apparently, that’s OK, even though she’s married).  I do kinda get what they’re saying about not wanting it to be political - but they completely made it political during Week 1 when they all took a stand against bullying and told us that, if Alex came back, it meant that America loved bullies.  So, it’s OK to be political and take a stand against someone who has no friends in the house, but not against the “privileged white lady” who votes against the rights of less privileged people.  Got it. 

Stephanie walks into a bedroom holding a pair of pants that she found in the laundry (I think - maybe the bathroom), with wall to wall words written inside on the pockets.  She learns that they’re Robin’s pants, and they all sit around reading the lines.  In confessional, Stephanie tells us that she’s not clear if these are planned tweets, notes for the game, or… something completely different.  She has no idea what these are.  “I understand how the Kennedys feel...  It’s so large, every time it lands, it’s like a poltergeist.”  They all agree that Robin is losing her marbles.  I personally did not see any tweets that said any of those things.  We cut to commercial wondering what the hell is going on in Robin’s head.  Some of us don’t want to know.

We’re back in the living room, and Ori tells the players they get a reward.  Really?  With ten minutes left, and everything that’s been going on, two people from the Bachelor/ette show up?  They’re giving the #Fanswers, but I guess they don’t know the questions either.  Holly:  Do you want me to stay?  No.  She looks annoyed.  Haha.  Unfortunately, she’s back, so either America lied, or they just hate Apollo even more than they hate her.  Gene: Should I join a pack?  Yes.  Andrea:  Do you want to see alliances and game play starting?  Yes.

It’s night again, and we see Erica and Kevin.  She’s asking Kevin not to vote for her, and he tells her that he’s planning to vote for her.  She asks if it’s because he likes Andrea better.  Yes, he does.  After a very long and awkward pause, he lies and acts like it has to do with everyone else being out to get her.  Erica tells him that it’s not so much about her politics, as whether she can separate the game from who she is.  Erica thinks Andrea is a liar who will turn on him.  Kevin flat-out tells Erica that he’s voting for her, he’s already made up his mind.  Grrrrrrrrr……….  I don’t think he’ll be getting any more smoochies.  Also, I don’t really think it’s just the editing here that makes Kevin look like a terrible human being.  We know from Twitter that there was a “secret showmance” going on last week, on Thursday or Friday (Thanks, Gene!)   Take a look - it's not like the making out happened on Day 1.

The voting for limbo takes place on Friday.  So, Kevin really did get drunk, make out with Erica, then turn around and vote her into limbo.  I know that it’s not like they made lifelong promises, but it’s still a douchebag move.  At the very least, he could have voted for someone other than Erica or Andrea (but he wouldn’t, because he knows that mean Andrea would be in limbo).

                                       

We see them voting.  Some, like Holly, use really lame and bizarre hand gestures.  She acts like she’s drop kicking the stone.  I hope she’ll fall over, but she doesn’t.  Anyway, Ori shows us the votes in an excruciatingly slow manner, and goes to commercial when it’s 4-4 with Erica and Andrea.  After the final two votes, it’s a tie!  That actually sucks, because in the event of a tie, the losing Team Captain gets to vote.  Robin takes about a  third of a second to act like it’s a tough decision, but she picks Erica.  No one is fooled into thinking that she actually had to consider it.  The credits roll as Robin and Erica go down into limbo.  I want to smack the look off Andrea’s face.  God, I hate her.

The credits for next week are awesome, though, as Jeffrey cries for Kevin taking Andrea’s side, and Joy tells Kevin that he’s a fucking douche for making out with Erica one night, then voting her into limbo the next day.  I heart Joy.

Season 1, Episode 2: "Ruffle Your Tail Feathers"

Episode 2 starts by reintroducing us to the players and reminding us of Alex’s douche-baggery.  Thanks, ABC.  I had finally managed to block it.  I love that they keep showing Stephanie’s shocked face over and over as Alex is being… well… Alex.

We see the players talking about how glad they are that he’s gone, and Joy says that, if Alex is back, she’ll refuse to speak to him.  She’s worried that she’ll have a nervous breakdown thinking about it.  You know, if Sweetie, if your nerves are so fragile, perhaps reality TV is not for you.  Or you should carry smelling salts.  Everyone thinks that Alex’s friends and family would be shocked to discover that he’s a douche.  PSST - I bet they already know.  Joy tells Gene says that she’ll leave if Alex comes back.  Erica talks about what an asshole Alex is, and Joy starts crying again.  This is really bizarre, because I’ve already seen the live feeds and everything, so… huh.  Ah, well. Ori tells them (again) that someone quit after being sent to limbo.  Then, we get treated to the same conversations we saw on the live feeds.  Wow, thanks, ABC.  Don’t show them talking about any of the topics we sent, don’t show anything we voted on or asked to see, but show us exactly what we saw on the live feed last week.  I’m seriously going to boycott ABC after this show ends.

Cut to the hot tub, with Kevin making fun of Alex and doing an impression that, really, is not very good.  Kevin’s getting a very good edit.  I think the producers like him.  Cut again to the living room.  The players are called to see if Alex returns.  He slowly comes up the tube with a shit-eating grin on his face.  Everyone looks pissed.  We see Stephanie’s OH MY GOD face again, and it fades to commercial.   When we return from break, Alex is taken back down the tube.  He looks surprised, and it’s hilarious. The players rejoice.

               

Kevin talks about how Alex must be a complete jackass if no one wanted him back, despite the fact that he was going up against no one.  Kevin then pulls Mike aside, and they try to figure out who voted for Erica last week, because that person went against the team, and they want that person out.  They know Apollo voted for Ashley because of the card bullshit, and they know that Alex clearly voted for someone other than himself.  Jeffrey asks Holly, and she says that she voted for Alex.  She’s clearly lying.  Then, she tells us in an interview that she thought it was horrible gameplay for everyone to vote for Alex.  Then she shoots herself in the foot by telling Erica it was her.  Erica says, “That was the dumbest thing you could have done.”  No, telling her was the dumbest thing you could have done, Holly.  Holly then has the nerve to get mad at Erica for being upset that she voted against her and lied about it.  Erica flat-out tells Holly that she intends to vote against her.

Cut to the living room.  It’s all dark, and Robin and Erica are huddled on the couches, talking about Holly.  Robin says that Holly is interesting, but there was no reason to lie about being an art history major, because she didn’t know who painted the “Sixteenth Chapel.”  HAHAHA.  Oh, that’s beautiful.  These are ironic tears of hysterical laughter.  They confront her and insist that she name her favorite artist.  Holly breaks down and says that she was actually a psych major.  They ask her to name someone that she wrote a paper on, and she couldn’t.  Robin cuts her a break and asks her to name any psychologist that she studied.  “Dr. Phil.”  *face palm*.  I can name better psychologists than Dr. Phil, and I majored in Humanities.

The next morning, Kevin and Mike are plotting strategy when Apollo comes in and asks if they’re having a private conversation.  Mike tells Apollo that he would be on their team, except for his dumb-ass “pick a card” strategy.  They want him in their alliance, but want a better strategy.  I cement my resolve to vote against Apollo if he’s ever sent to limbo.

The players are called into the living room to see who has the least votes and will be team captain.  I suspect the order doesn’t mean anything as far as how many votes each of them actually has, but here it is: Gene, Stephanie, Joy, Jeffrey, Mike, Erica, Andrea, Robin, Kevin, Holly vanish, leaving Apollo and Ashley.  HA!  Guess it isn’t all about having the most followers on Twitter!  We’re 24 minutes in, and nothing has happened yet.  How is this possible?  Anyway, I’m not sure whether the order their pictures were removed means anything, because Kevin is so popular.  Holly started crying.  Whatever, Holly.  Apollo tells us that he’s in the bottom because the tiny-minded viewers don’t understand his intellectual game.  Thanks, Apollo.  He correctly points out that he won’t get either the looks vote or the funny vote.  He tells Gene that part of him wants people on his team that he can definitely beat if he’s in limbo.  He basically decides that he wants Holly because he’s sure that he can beat her.  They gather to pick their teams, and we find out that Ashley got more votes, so she goes first.  She winds up with Kevin, Stephanie, Joy, Andrea, Jeffrey, and Apollo gets Holly, Gene, Mike, Erica, Robin.  I now understand most of what happened on Twitter earlier in the week.  

Apollo’s team meeting.  Apollo starts whining, because everyone stopped talking when he entered the kitchen earlier.  Gene said that it was just the end of the conversation, and Apollo calls him a liar.  

Ori explains the game.  They enter an “arena” for the “Ruffle Your Tail Feathers” challenge.  They’re supposed to hang in the air, trying to put footballs disguised as eggs into birdhouses.  Each birdhouse house a burden on it “chosen” by the viewers (Ori doesn’t tell them that we had two shitty options and were forced to pick the one that was less lame).  Each egg has a name on it, and wherever your egg lands, that’s what you have to do.  The good news is, no one will miss anything interesting while blowing up 500 balloons.  The losing team will actually have to do these things, but the winning team apparently will not.  They’re flying birds and stuff to make this happen.  Ashley let Kevin take charge, because he’s the athletic one.  Stephanie is on a pedestal, throwing eggs to people in this twirly bird things, who throw them in the birdhouses.  Kevin is doing the throwing, and he’s just catching the eggs and chucking them wherever he can.  He’s correct that it’s more important to get the eggs in than worry about where they’re going.  One of the birdhouses has $1,000 written on it, so Steph asks Kevin to throw Ashley’s egg in there for her birthday.  Damn!  $1,000 for your birthday?  

Cut to Apollo’s team.  Apollo, hanging in the air, tells us that he’s afraid of heights.  Gene tells us that, being a stuntman, he’s used to hanging in the air.  That seems like an advantage in something like this.  Gene makes a completely wussy, half-hearted attempt, and doesn’t get anywhere near the first birdhouse.  Holly sends him another ball (remember that she used to coach basketball?  I’m guessing she can throw), and Gene bobbles it before dropping it.  I can clearly see why everyone on Twitter thought he threw the challenge.  Erica is confused, because she doesn’t think it’s as hard as Gene is making it look.  Gene misses every ball thrown at him, except for a couple of awful throws he sends at Mike.  Apollo and Mike can’t believe what a shitty job Gene’s doing.  As Mike points out, he’s a stuntman.  He should be able to handle this challenge.  Everyone else can do it.  We go to commercial on yet another shot of Gene mishandling the ball.

Watching this is actually painful.  Erica wins $1,000.  She’s my favorite person on that team, so I’m happy.  Weird how, after about five minutes, Gene starts doing really well.  He’s suddenly catching everything and throwing it perfectly.  After the challenge, he talks about feeling bad about his mistakes, but they played well.  Liar.  Ori tells us that they took just under 6 minutes, and Team Ashley did it in 3:48.  Ashley is very happy.  Who can blame her?  Apollo is less happy to be informed he’s going to limbo.  We go the bedroom, where Apollo is telling Erica that he thinks Gene threw the challenge.  Erica thinks that Apollo is “grasping at straws” and he “looks desperate.”  I think he looks correct.  Erica asks Gene if he threw the game.  His “not at all” is so very calm that it’s almost as if he practiced it.  He talks about how he’s upset, but he doesn’t even feign surprise that someone would mention it.  Apollo correctly notes that Gene fumbled really easy passes, and Gene tries to use the fact that he made some difficult passes to prove that he was really trying. 

We go back into the living room, where Ori is telling them all which “burdens” they have to do.  As Stephanie is explaining them all, we see her pick up a crate of oranges and walk straight into the glass wall with it.  OUCH!  Kevin has to transfer packing peanuts around 1X1.  Andrea has to blow up 500 ballons, and Jeffrey has to peel 500 hard boiled eggs.  I hope he likes egg salad.  He puts on a shawl, and glasses, and scarf.  Awesome.  I love Jeffrey.

Cut to Andrea blowing up balloons.  Gene calls a “house meeting” to address the disparagement to his character that occurred when Apollo spoke the truth.  Apollo tells everyone that there was six dropped balls, and Gene was involved in 100% of them.  Then, he points out that all of Gene’s friends are on the other team.  Holly is glad they’re fighting, because she’s hoping it means Gene will go into limbo instead.  Apollo actually says that he doesn’t blame Gene for doing it.  Joy tells him that he’s paranoid.  Andrea can’t talk, because she’s still blowing up balloons.  Mike also thinks Gene threw it, although he won’t really say it.  Gene then refuses to discuss it and storms out.  Weird.  

Ori reveals the answers to the questions.  The viewers told Holly that they’d vote her back if she went to limbo, but I think they lied just like I did.  Especially since, at the time we voted, there was no way to even guess who she would be up against.  Stephanie is told to be open with her personal stories.  Apollo doesn’t get his question 100% right, but Stephanie’s name flashes, and he’s told to change his strategy (he said to answer “Stephanie” if you wanted him to change his strategy and “Gene” if you didn’t).  We miss the rest of the answers, but most of them aren’t that interesting.

Gene and Andrea see Ashley talking to Holly through the glass.  They can’t hear anything, so they make up their own conversation.  Gene: “I don’t understand why everyone hates me because I’m so pretty.”  Andrea: “It’s because you lied, dumbass.  You’re pretty, but there’s more than that.”  Gene: “No!  I’m so skinny!  If I go to limbo, I will win, because my boobs are huge.”  Jeffrey chimes in:  “Do you think this shirt is too small?”  This is by far the highlight of the first two episodes.  Then we see Ashley tell Holly that she’s beautiful, which is hilarious, in the context.

Erica votes for Holly, Holly votes for Erica again.  You just lost my vote, Holly.  We see Gene vote for Holly as well, but we don’t see most of the others.  We see that everyone but Holly voted for Holly.  The show ends as Holly and Apollo head to limbo, and I set up to recap the crappy live feeds.  Apollo promises a strategy if he comes back.  Holly says she’ll give us support and love if we vote to bring her back.  How does that work, exactly?  Then, we see clips of everyone crying from next week.  Huh.  

                                     

…. We don’t see them talking about any of the hot topics we submitted, answering any of the questions we submitted, or, really, being all that interesting.  There's a tiny bit of drama about how Gene threw the game to get Holly out, and even that isn't interesting because (a) it's so obvious and (b) not even Apollo votes to send him to limbo because of it.   *yawn*