Live Feed - Monday, June 18, Part 1

**Ok, OK.  I went back and watched the part I missed before.  Here’s what happened in the first two hours:

• Everyone is in the house but Jacob and Alex.  Joy is trying to plank, and she’s doing it all wrong, and then the feed “officially” starts.  We get a recap of shit we already know - let’s get to it.
• Faux-Siri announces Ashley’s birthday next week.  Finally, there’s a name for the creepy robotic voice.  There are four options: Marie, Oracle (Ori), A.I. Real (pronounced Arial), or Crystal.  
• They all like Oracle, but Stephanie thinks that all her friends voted for Marie just because she has a friend named Marie.  
• While the viewers vote, they get cake.  There are four cakes in the drawer in the wall, and they’re supposed to decorate them.  The separate into different groups.
• They go back to the drawers in the TV wall, and now there are “a-coo-tree-mon” as the voice calls it.  They grab the accoutrements and start discussing teams.  Then, the viewers will vote.
• Mike and Kevin don’t want to be on the same teams, because they’re both boys.  Someone (Gene?) suggests boys v. girls, and Mike is pissed, because he can’t decorate a cake.
• I see Andrea, Joy, and Holly as a team, Stephanie and Robin as a team…. 
• What freakin’ team just threw a handful peanut M&Ms on top?  That’s so lame!
• Jeffrey just starts frosting a cake while they all fight over the teams.  I still have no idea what the teams are.  
• Andrea and Holly appear to be decorating a cake together.  This is really hard to follow.  Jeffrey and Robin love each other?  I see Ashley and Joy throwing some frosting on a cake.  
• Mike wants to snack on the candy.  Me, too, dude.  
• This is messed up, because the voices I hear discussing the cakes are not the people actually doing the decorating.  Stephanie joined team Mike and Apollo, apparently because she felt sorry for them.  She doesn’t like their frosting, so she goes to trade a whipped buttercream to Jeffrey for buttercream.
• Holly dances and jiggles her boobs while humming.  They all appear more interested in eating frosting than decorating cakes.  Can’t say I blame them.  Andrea wants to dedicate the cake to Alex and Jacob.  Kevin said they should draw limbo with one shirtless dude and someone else with a huge head.  Kevin just scored about 10,000 points with me for that one.
• Jeffrey, Erica, and Robin are apparently drawing a border and creating a house on their cake.  Or something?  This is where I left for a while.  I’m watching it, but, you know, you don’t need a play-by-play of cake decoration.  It’s not that interesting.
• Faux-Siri (who I now know is called the Oracle) tells them to tell a personal story while they are decorating the cake.  The viewers vote that the players should talk about where they were five years ago vs where they expect to be in five years.  Apparently, the viewers are supposed to vote on whether the stories are really good, not bad, or kinda lame for immediate feedback.
• Andrea:  “I’m so boring!”  No shit.  Five years ago, she was pregnant with her third child.  Whatever.  Otherwise, she was the same.  LAME.
• There’s an awkward break in the video here, so I may have missed something.  We’re just staring at Holly decorating a cake while Andrea walks around and whines that she’s kinda lame. Oracle tells her that the viewers agree.
• Apollo: Goes into the bathroom to tell his story.  Five years ago, Apollo had a dream about his wife, woke up, googled her, and emailed her to propose.  For some reason, she didn’t get a restraining order, and they were married two years later.  Must be love.  He said that five years ago, he was lost, and she helped him become found.  Awwww!  The viewers think that’s a really good story.
• Stephanie put pi on her cake, and Mike asks if they can do 3.14 in candy.  He seems unsure on whether 3.14 is pi.  At least he got it.  *phew*
• Ashley: I missed most of this, but it involves singing.  That’s lame.  Their cake looks like someone vomited all over it.  That is the last thing I would ever want to eat.  Ashley’s story is “not bad” (per the viewers).
• Erica:  Five years ago, just out of college.  She packed up all her stuff and followed some guy to St. Louis.  Now, I can’t tell if the live feed is bad, or ABC doesn’t want us to know what she’s saying but, apparently, the relationship went bad.  She moved in with a friend, and all was well.  Erica’s story is “not bad” (per the viewers).
• Jeffrey is putting chocolate clouds all over their cake.
• Gene:  Five years ago he’d just left Florida and moved to Chicago.  Made friends with a party promoter and went clubbing every night.  Whatever, dude.  “Not bad.”  I respectfully disagree.
• Holly:  Goes running into the bedroom.  Five years ago, she was 16.  Wow.  She was acting like a 16 year old, being dumb and doing dumb shit, so it’s not really fair to judge her for that.  “Really good”?  Really???  Oracle tells us, “The cake is not a lie.”   HA!.
• This chocolate clouds cake terrifies me.  We hear Kevin tell Robin that he was in the exact same place five year ago that he is now.  Why did Holly leave the room to tell her story if we now have to listen to her tell the same story again?  
• Jeffrey:  Living in Harlem with a crazy roommate.  Claims he had the most insane roommates ever.  I bet I can beat this story.  She once took four days to remember that she had a cup of coffee in the microwave.  On moving day, she had packed nothing.  Zzzzzzzzz.  Now he has good roommates.  Apparently, he uses alliteration when he’s nervous.  That’s cute.  “Really good.”
• Joy:   Single mom, nursing school, trying to decide whether to be a model.  Did all those things at once, even though everyone said she couldn’t, and she’s still doing all that.  “Really good”.  Really, these stories aren’t that great.
• Kevin:  Five years ago, his daughter was five years younger.  Yup, that’s what he said.  Now, he’s telling a story about working for the police, which doesn’t really have anything to do with anything.  “Really good”?  Who the fuck is awake voting on these LAME stories as really good? (Not me, apparently.)
• Mike: Just released from prison.  I am 100% convinced that he is making all these stories up.  Apparently, he thinks it’s funny to tell us that he was put in jail for molesting an old lady and pretending to be her grandson. He got caught having sex in the back of her handicapped van at the bowling alley?  These stories aren’t funny… or true (at least he makes it clear that he’s lying this time).  The problem here is that we can’t get to know him and want to vote for him if he’s just being weird all the time.  “Really good”.  I no longer believe that the viewers are actually voting.
• Robin:  Living in Cincinnati.  Tells a story about her daughter’s first birthday party and her daughter flashing people.  It’s a cute story, but it doesn’t tell me anything about Robin as a person.  It just tells me that kids say funny things.
• Oracle asks them to dance while they wait for the viewers to vote on Robin’s story.  They dance weirdly.  “Really good”.  I don’t think the viewers and I are voting on the same basis.  
• Stephanie: She goes into the bedroom.  Five years ago, she was engaged to the love of her life, on vacation in California.  They had a huge party for his 30th birthday, because he never thought he would live to be 30.  They found out they were getting transferred to Germany, so they switched to a quick July wedding and planned the rest of their lives.  Then, they moved for what should have been their “happily ever after.”  I’ve read the articles, and I’m actually tearing up a little, but she doesn’t mention that he died.  I’m such a sucker.  I get all choked up every time Emily talks about her husband on the Bachelorette, too.  I need to toughen up.  Interesting choice.  I guess that wasn’t part of five years ago.  “Really good.”  
• The viewers vote to give them beer helmets, and this is basically where I came in before.

Just after midnight:

• Everyone is wearing a helmet.  Stephanie and Mike are in belching contest.  Mike wins, and all the ladies talk about how lady-like they all are.  Someone lets out a burp - I believe it was Erica.  Yup.
• Apparently, Stephanie is leading the belching contest.  They all dance around and stuff, and then they ditch the “foamy beer helmet” as Joy calls it.  Mike points out that his is “kiddie-sized.”  Jeffrey decides that drinking the beer out of a glass is far classier, and Faux-Siri tell him that he has to wear his beer helmet.  Jeffrey whines that he’s going to get messy ,and Mike starts talking about un-cinching his.  Holly puts her beer helmet on backwards.  Jeffrey puts his had back on, grudgingly.
• What birthday gift would I like to give to Ashley?  Super funny t-shirt or Cookie jar with Ashley’s favorites?  Well, they’ve got cake, so they don’t really need cookies.  Why can’t we send her bugs to eat or something?  Ashley really wants a funny t-shirt, so I vote for the cookie jar.  She’s chanting, and I think they’re all pretty drunk at this point.  
• Gene’s helmet falls off.  Apparently, something one of the ladies said astonished him into dropping his beer.  That sucks.
• Faux-Siri asks Ashley what she wants, and she says she wants a super funny t-shirt.  Faux-Siri wants one, too.  We all sit around and wait for ABC to come up with a good way to count the votes faster.
• Stephanie randomly explains that, if you date someone who isn’t on your intellectual levels, they won’t get your jokes, so sense of humor is irrelevant.  She’s trying to explain her answer to a question asked last week, but no one is listening.  
• Faux-Siri tells everyone that there’s a party foul, and we’ll know the answer in 10 seconds, so they count down.  At the end of the countdown - nothing happens.  Awesome.  I’m totally going to start counting down to nothing all the time.
• FINALY, Ashley opens the drawer to find a box.  As she makes a big show of opening it, ABC randomly asks us whether Alex’s “villain” strategy will work.  Well, if his goals were to (1) make everyone in the house hate him and (2) show everyone that he’s a douche, yes, it worked.  Ashley needs a “strong man” to open her gift, so Kevin unwraps it.  She says it’s a cookie jar, but can’t get it out of the box.  Kevin, America’s hero, steps in and saves the day by removing the glass jar from the box.  Ashley is very grateful, although she clearly wants a t-shirt.  “Thanks, boos!”  
• Andrea doesn’t drink, so she sits awkwardly on the couch, trying not to look bored.
• Ashley offers to share her cookies, and Joy eats one in a very “porn star” manner, by sticking her boobs out.  Faux-Siri tells Ashley that she’s very lucky, and there will be a name soon.  That was completely pointless.  Everyone wanders away, because they apparently don’t care what the name is, as they decided a week ago to call her the Oracle.
• Ashley strolls into the kitchen with her cookie jar, offering them around in an extremely sexual manner.  I bet you that Gene wants a cookie.  Gene says he can’t eat a cookie, because douchey Alex called him fat.
• ABC asks whether we think Erica and Andrea got a better deal than Robin and Holly.  Considering how excited Erica was to have a bed, I think she got the best deal of everyone in the entire world.   She’s adorable. 
• We’re asked to vote on whether they should talk about their best birthday ever or worst birthday ever.  We’re looking at an empty room while they wander around talking about it in the kitchen.  Stephanie has beer in her hair.  Oops.  I think Erica was trying to help her, but that didn’t really work out so well.  Now, we’re staring at a hallway, and we see that they have a laundry and storage rom of some sort as Stephanie goes looking for paper towels.  She informs everyone that she’s the only responsible one in the house, because she’s helping Erica clean up.  What’s interesting about this is that Andrea isn’t drinking, is completely sober, and didn’t offer to help at all.  She’s just wandering around, judging them all.
• I want a beer helmet.
• Erica can’t figure out how to suck on a straw, so she calls it “science magic.”  I think it’s just biology, sweetheart.   Erica says that she’s really glad Stephanie is a scientist, because she… knows how to suck on a straw.  I guess only scientists can do that.  Yup, they’re drunk.  They’re trying to finish drinking out of their beer helmets while mopping beer up off the floor with paper towels.
• Erica says that the beer tastes like regret.  Then, she announces that she’s about to throw up (but, thankfully, she doesn’t).
• Jeffrey asks Robin if she did laundry and she did.  Who cares?  Jeffrey says they’re determined to make Robin enemies with someone.  Did she get voted in there again?
• Their worst birthdays ever!  I have a good worst birthday ever story.  Worst day of my life and it lasted TWENTY-SEVEN HOURS! (and I was awake the whole time).  I win!!
• Stephanie: Apparently, she had a birthday that left her with a permanent scar, because she was riding a horsey with springs.  She does an impression of her four year-old self riding the horsey.  Some little bitch apparently threw her down, and scarred her for life in the springs of the little horsey.  That sucks.  (Faux Siri - “Ouch”).  She shows everyone her scar.  ABC asks us to vote on Stephanie’s story, but I wasn’t paying attention, and now it won’t give me the options back. 
• Robin:  Threw herself a birthday party when she was 16 and her parents were out of town.  She invited 150 of her closest friends over.  The police showed up… she cleaned it all up pretty awesomely, but she forgot to throw away the beer cans.  That was a lame story.  Instead of voting on Robin’s story, we’re asked to vote who looks better in a boa - Jeffrey or Erica.
• Faux-Siri tells Jeffrey that the frosting he’s eating looks yummy.  He agrees and laughs it off.
• Mike: (Gene says this is unfair, because he has the most birthdays).  This better not involve dead bunnies.  Ok, he was 12, playing hockey, and someone knocked him over after the whistle blew.  He started a fight - first hockey fight, apparently - and he got kicked off the ice.  Then, the coach told him that the kid was deaf and couldn’t hear the whistle, and Mike beat up the deaf kid.  What the fuck?  So, you hate bunnies and deaf children?  I randomly vote that Joy looked better than Holly in a bikini, because I just think she’s really cute.
• Joy: Her boyfriend broke up with her on her birthday.  She took a nap, and her family ate her birthday cake without her.  That sucks. We start to feel sorry for her, until she brags that her next boyfriend was “much hotter.”  Now, I want to eat her cake, too.
• Kevin: Tells the story of his birth.  Whatever, dude.  That’s not your first birthday.  Your first birthday is a year later, jackass.  And no one enjoys being born - or remembers it.  Must be nice to have led such a charmed life.  I vote that Jeffrey and Mike were better at Kiss and Blow than Joy and Alex.
• Jeffrey: Always wanted a surprise party, so he threw one for himself.  Had it at an Ethiopian restaurant.  His friends hated the food, didn’t want to help pay, and there was no cake.  Maybe he should stick to letting other people plan his birthdays.
• Holly:  She goes in another room.  Holly has spent every birthday with her twin, so the worst one was when she had to spend the day without her twin.  Her other sister also wasn’t there.  Usually, Holly blows out her candles two minutes before her twin, so, when she was alone, she blew out the candles, waited two minutes and did it again.  That does sound pretty sad.
• Gene:  Please tell me this involves faking his own death.  Damn, it doesn’t.  Apparently, as a child, he could get any gift he wanted, as long as he got straight As.  One year, he got a B (*gasp*  The horror!)  His gifts were socks, sweaters, dress shirts, a portfolio, a briefcase, tie clips, cuff links - nothing but clothes and work stuff, I guess.  He kept waiting for his real gifts and never got them, and then he had to watch Jeopardy with his grandfather (an episode is half an hour, not an hour).  He goes downstairs, and his mom is playing his Nintendo and his games.  She forgot she was supposed to give it to hi - wait.  So, your worst birthday was the one where you were least spoiled?  And you’re bitching about getting a Nintendo?  STFU, Gene.
• Erica:  A couple of months ago, she was flying from Denver to Cincinnati and she found out that a friend died.  She makes it sound like the reason this was bad is that no one came to her party.  She makes a good point that, while the story is sad, there really isn’t a better story that she could have told.
• Ashley: When she turned 16, she had a huge lakefront party in “N’Orleans,” and there was a huge storm that destroyed the party.  This blows doubly, because it was the first year that she thought it might not rain on her birthday.  Apparently, the party was saved when they arrived at her house, so, really, that’s not that bad.  I think Erica is winning.
• Apollo:  When he turned 21, he went to a casino, and his then-girlfriend stood him up.  His sister saw him hanging out with a lot of old people, and he won three times.  That’s not so bad.  Sounds like he’s better without the girlfriend.
• Robin starts telling a story about an 80 year old lady who broke her hip having sex, which I don’t think has anything to do with Andrea’s worst birthday.  That was odd.
• Andrea:  Last year, went sky-diving for her 30th birthday, strapped to a hot porn star.  WTF?  That’s not a bad birthday?  God, I hate her.  She knows that’s not a bad birthday story.  Then, she said that she thought it was awesome.  So…. did you not understand the question?  
• Alex:  Oh, wait.  We don’t have to listen to douchey Alex tell a douchey story, because he’s in limbo!  HA!
• Erica wanders off to check on Dr. Fluffles, and they start talking about cake.  
• Apollo asks the viewers if Kevin sounds like Barack Obama.  I stop listening because I’m bored.  
• I think Stephanie said that American will vote for Kevin because he’s a white male.  Erica suggests that she might accidentally throw a stone at herself.
• They all get summoned to the living room to hear the results of the vote.  
• Ashley jinxes Gene and tells him not to talk, but takes pity on him.  Oracle wins the vote, so it makes no sense that we had to vote in the first place.
• ABC randomly asks if I would have volunteered to be Team Captain the first week.  I think I’ve made my opinion on that clear.  They disperse, and I think this might be a good time to go to bed.  They’re just talking about what to make for dinner.  I feel like drunk cooking might be dangerous.
• They want to sing Happy Birthday to Ashley, but Oracle tells them not to, because of copyright issues.  That hurts.  ABC can’t shell out for the royalties?
• Erica starts talking about how much she loves Boston and telling “Wicked Smaht!”  They all do their best Boston accents.  Mike’s is pretty good, huh?
• Erica then says that, if Jacob calls back, they need to get some sleeves and put them on Jacob while he’s sleeping.  What this tells me is that the players don’t know that Jacob is not coming back.  Now, I’m sad, because this would be funny.
• The players all start campaigning to bring Jacob back instead of Alex. They ask Mike and Kevin to act out what happened.  They don’t want to do this, so Stephanie walks up to the camera and explains what a douchey bully Alex is.  (OK, she doesn’t call him a douche, but that’s because she must be nicer than I am.)  She comments on how he insulted everyone based on their background and beliefs.  Bullies are bad.  No one wants him back.  They’d rather see Jacob.  
• Ok.  Halfway though seems like a good place for a break  Stay tuned.  Alex is a douche.