We start by getting a look inside the house. Clips of the players fighting and stuff. They’re showing us that we’re going to get a lot of drama. We go inside, and they show up the players entering the house by coming up the elevator two at a time.
Alex and Andrea enter first. Alex says he has no shame. Andrea says at the very beginning that she’s Mormon. Ashley and Apollo come up the elevator. WTF is she wearing a mask? Yes, she’s from New Orleans. Whatever. Erica and Gene. Gene tells us that he is “huge awesomeness.” Well, he’s half right. Time will tell on the rest. Erica looks amazing in her boobalicious dress and tells us she is “broke as a joke.” Holly and Jacob come in. I can’t tell what Jacob is saying, because I’m distracted by that fucking shirt. It appears that they told the players that Holly was replacing Melissa, because no one seems the slightest bit surprised to see her. Next - Joy and Jeffrey. Jeffrey says he’s “fat hot.” They all love the house. Joy tells us that she’s a mom, and a nurse, and not just a Playboy model. Robin and Kevin enter. Robin tells us she’s Jewish. Kevin’s hair really annoys me. Then, Stephanie and Mike come up. Stephanie tells us that she’s a “real person”, and not, you know, a paper doll or a hologram. Is she a Cylon? Mike informs us that he has to do this because he’s 48, and he’ll be dead in a couple of years.
If Alex says, “I’m prime time 99” one more time, I’m going to find him and kill him. I now love Gene, because, apparently, his “tool meter” went off the moment he met Jacob and Alex. Awesome. A voice tells them to “come to the wall.” It then explains the game, and gives the results of the first week’s online voting: The first challenge will be divided into East vs. West. Jacob doesn’t know if he’s in the east or the West. Mike is crying, and so am I. It’s Oregon, not Chicago. WTF. Faux-Siri gives them time to pick their team captains, despite not knowing what the challenge is. Jacob volunteers. Alex thinks this is a good idea, because he’s the best physical player. Too bad it’s not a physical challenge.
The voice doesn’t sound the same as it does on the live feed. Weird. Anyway, it tells them to go check out the rooms. Holly and Robin are in the enemies room, which is all red and black. They think it’s because Robin is the oldest and Holly is the oldest. Holly guesses that Robin is sixty. OH. MY. GOD. “She’s a young 60 or maybe 50s…” Whoa. Poor Robin. Robin doesn’t like the men, because they’re all too young.
Andrea and Erica are in the friends room, and Erica is ecstatic because she’s been sleeping on a leaky air mattress. She’s so happy to have a king-sized bed. Apparently, there aren’t enough beds for everyone, so Alex, Kevin, and Mike are arguing over who should sleep on the couch. Dude, two of you win, because there are apparently only 12 beds. That sucks.
The chimes go off, and they gather back in the living room. Apollo says, if it’s a PJ party, he brought a onesie. Erica is really excited, because she apparently has a pink onesie. Holly asks Alex to pick her swimsuit, then talks about how stupid it would be to tell people that she majored in psychology. They show all the girls changing into bikinis. They get Mardi Gras beads and feather boas. Everyone grabs beads and boas and jumps in the hot tub with umbrella drinks. Poor Jeffrey jumps in, and all the water goes out of the tub. Poor guy. Ashley and Erica hate sushi, and then they play Kiss and Blow. Alex goes off on how Joy is a fox. He spends too much time talking about Jeffrey and Mike. Yes, they kissed. With a card between their lips. Dude, it’s a game. They weren’t making out nude in the hot tub. I’s not that exciting. <commercial>
They come back and offer to tell us the best moments from the webisodes. There were no best moments, dude. The webisodes were boring. Alex is still talking about how Jacob should be team captain. Having watched the live feeds, and knowing that they lose, I bet Jacob wants to beat the crap out of Alex now. He agrees and goes on and on about how confident he is that they’re going to win. Douche. “I’m not going to lie… I’m an idiot when it comes to smart…..” Ashley can’t believe he said something so stupid. He’s going on and on about how they’re going to win. BUT NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THE CHALLENGE IS YET. How can they all be so confident? It could be anything.
Cut to East team. Stephanie asks if anyone wants to volunteer to be team captain. Jeffrey does it, which is interesting, because the night before, he said only an idiot would do it. “Doctor, heal thyself!” Everyone stands up to congratulate him, and Jeffrey and Stephanie hug.
Cut to the main room. Apollo says that he won’t form any alliances or vote for anyone. He’s using magic tricks to decide who should go home each time people are in limbo. His strategy is to leave everything up to chance. Mike: “It’s a dumb strategy.” Word, MIke.
They all put on sweatsuits for the challenge. They have to match the players with interesting facts that they revealed about themselves before the show began. Jacob: “I’m street smart, not common sense smart.” Oh, poor Jacob. If he wasn’t so obnoxious, I’d almost feel bad for him.
West goes first. Alex starts talking about how smart he is. THis is really cool visually, but I’m not so great at explaining it. Basically, there are these blocks they need to turn to get to create arrows leading from the names on the left to the facts on the right. So, part of it is correctly guessing, and part of is it teamwork. They need to work together to solve the puzzle, move the names around, and make all the lines connect. I’m glad they put the most “physical” player as the Team Captain, because, obviously, Jacob is *exactly* the right person for this job. I need a bigger TV, because I can’t really see all the facts, and I’m not sure how they came out in the end (although they did figure it out). They are able to deduce that Holly was once a middle school basketball coach, Stephanie attended the last 5 Oktoberfests in Munich, Mike has a black belt in Taikwondo, Kevin’s favorite movies are romantic comedies, Jeffrey grew up on country music, Joy was bullied as a kid, and Robin started college at 16. I think. This is really hard to read, because three of the colors are virtually identical.
Alex tells us that he’s never going to sit back and let people control his game, but he should have, because as he’s throwing out the ones that he is absolutely positive are right, they’re all wrong. Apollo and Alex are yelling stuff out. Apollo is trying to take over and help, and no one can hear anything, because they’re yelling at the same time. Erica wants to listen to Apollo. Jacob refuses to believe that Holly was a basketball coach.
East comes out. Stephanie is so excited, because it’s a “brains” challenge, and she’s in Mensa. Jeffrey says at the beginning that they should listen to either him or Stephanie. We learn that Alex meditates twice a day, Erica loves fishing, Apollo started reading at age 2, Ashley sang on stage in front of 10,000 (OK, we knew that), and that Andrea has never tried alcohol (since she’s been proclaiming her Mormonish from day one, this is less than earth-shattering news). We would have guessed that the local Texas Hold-Em champion was Melissa, but she’s gone, so that leaves Jacob. Don’t you have to be reasonably smart to play poker? And have a poker face? Or is he the “champion” of four elderly ladies who fell asleep before the tournament ended?
They get is super fast. Robin suggests that, with Alex’s energy level, he should mediate four or five times a day. Team West took 7 minutes, 4 seconds Team East took less than four minutes. Brains helped, but the fact that all the jackasses were on Team West helped more. Jacob is informed that he’ll be going to limbo. “So sad!” Now, I think I want Faux-Siri to win. The second Jacob finds out he’s going to limbo, Alex starts campaigning not to go with him. Immediately, everyone pegs him as a total douche.
In the bathroom, Joy tells Erica and Stephanie that she needs a spanking. Apparently, she has a very “European” attitude. Robin obliges and spanks her. They quickly label Joy as a “50 Shades of Gray” girl. For some reason, Joy gives Alex a “thong” to walk around in. And by “thong”, I mean “giant underwear that are practically granny panties.” I realize that he asked for it, but I don’t understand why. He’s parading around in his underwear, but there’s not much to see there. Even the dot they put to blur his junk is tiny. The man has no ass. Andrea and Kevin are offended. Andrea is, in fact, so offended, that she goes to sit where she cannot see him anymore. Kevin says that Alex is obnoxious, and that he’s glad Alex won’t be around long, because he has no respect for anyone.
The feed jumps around a lot. It’s really weird. It actually looks like all of the action happened on their first day in the house, and they’ve just been sitting around silently hating each other and pretending to be friends ever since. Very bizarre. Andrea tells Alex that it’s disrespectful. What we’re really seeing is that she’s extremely uptight and a bit of a cold fish.
They gather for the answers to their questions. We see only the player and the answer, but not the question. This is interesting, because it helps me understand why we were getting questions about stuff like “Did you smile today?” and what happened on The Bachelorette. Gene is shown that he should trust only “women.” Erica is super excited by her “yes” response to the Bachelorette question. This is interesting, because I swear she sent a tweet implied that everyone lied to her. Ah, well. Apollo’s “smile” question comes back wit ha yes, and he gets super excited and starts cheering. Now that I understand the question, this is hilarious. Alex is told to be the most epic villain in reality TV history. Too bad he screws it all up.
They’re in the kitchen, and then Alex walks around trying to piss people off. Joy tells him that he’s a loser, and he says, “I could care less what you think. You can’t even keep a husband or get married.” First, it’s I couldn’t care less. Joy wins major points with me by calling Alex a douche as he wanders to go piss someone else off. Alex tries to tell Andrea that it’s morally bad that she is on the show, sharing a room with Kevin. Wait - I thought she was with Erica? I don’t think I have it in me to go back and check. Sorry. But, I swear she’s sharing with Erica. She hates him. They all hate him. Joy asks Alex to give her some space, and he refuses. She says that he has no class, and he points out that she shows her breasts for money. She then says that he has no character, and he says that he’s the only interesting character among them. This strategy is not working, because he’s just making everyone hate him. I don’t think he really understands what it means to be a villain. A successful villain manipulates the house, gets people on his side, is subversive, and people don’t really know what happens. An unsuccessful villain gets killed off repeatedly, a la Stefano Dimera.
What is that weird thing he’s doing with his mouth in the interviews? It’s freaky. Alex asks Joy if she’s going to cry, and she storms out. FINALLY, we see Jacob wearing a different shirt. Joy cries, and Gene hugs her. He tells the rest of us that he’s happy to also give her breakfast in bed. I bet you are, Gene, and now I know why you tweeted that, somewhere, a lady would be mad. Alex goes in the bathroom, says that Erica has stinky poop, then calls her fat. You know, douche nozzle, I bet your poop doesn’t smell so great, either. Then, he goes to wear Robin is sleeping and tries to act like he’s acting like he’s supposed to act in a competition. Dude, no.
Switch to Jacob. He’s moping that he’s in limbo. Joy is terrified that Jacob will be sent home, because that means Alex will be in the house another week. Awesome. Apollo has them all draw cards, and says he’ll vote for whoever draws the four. Ashley gets it, and she’s annoyed as probably everyone else who is not Apollo.
The voting is really cool. They have stones that they pretend to throw at the TV, and it makes a cool breaking noise. That may get irritating… yup. Holly votes for Erica. Alex and Apollo vote for Ashley. Everyone else, I believe, votes for Alex, although they don’t show them all. There’s no need - we know they all hate him. He did it to himself. Faux Siri gives the final tally - the vote is overwhelmingly for Alex. Jacob and Alex both go to limbo and, on his way out, Alex tells Erica again that she’s fat. What a fucker. He insists he’s coming back, and everyone else tells Jacob that he’ll be back instead.
The show tells us that Jacob quit after leaving the house. Now, we vote on whether Alex should return. GOD, I HOPE NOT!!! Then again, I can only assume that America will not want to lose both of the most interesting characters at the same time. Alex is a douche.
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