Live Feed, Monday, June 25 - Part 1

Monday, June 25

• ABC sucks, so my live feed once again does not start on time.  I keep refreshing, because no one ever told me that it’s insane to do the same thing and expect different results.  Three minutes later, I have to watch that fucking Lays Commercial again.  Really?  You couldn’t have aired that during the three minutes I couldn’t access the feed?  
• Finally!  We’re all sitting in the living room.  Ori tells the players that it’s time to get more favor from the viewers.  I’m not sure anything in the live feed helps them do it.  I vote, but I’m not telling you what I said.  So there.
• Ori tells the players that they should get to have some influence.  They each get 1 minute to tell who should return and why.  Maybe I shouldn’t have voted so quickly.  Ori is drawing names in a random order.  We’re asked to vote on why Holly lied.  I deeply don’t care.
• Ashley:  Doesn’t want Apollo back, because of his stupid card method.  Talks about how Holly is such a liar, that might not even be her real name.  She says to vote for neither to bring her closer to winning.  That’s not an option, Ashley.  
• Gene: Also mentions the stupid card thing, but Holly lies constantly, then immediately admits to it.  He points out that they both have horrible strategies, and leaves it to use to pick our poison.
• Jeffrey: He would prefer to see Apollo back, “by a smidge”, because everyone unanimously hated Holly, and he worries that she will have the wrath of God on her side if she returns.  If Apollo returns with his stupid strategy, he’ll wind up back in limbo soon enough.
• Andrea:  Apollo’s strategy really sucked, but she actually thinks he has some other strategy that he’s just not telling us. She doesn’t understand Holly’s strategy, but thinks it might be easier to manipulate Holly if she comes back.  She makes a point of telling us that she likes them both a lot.
• Stephanie: Recaps Holly’s lies - apparently, the psych major thought Pavlov involved dog sweat, on top of everything else.  I missed that earlier.  So, she’s either a liar, or playing the bimbo.  Apollo’s strategy is stupid, but Steph likes him.  Is this a popularity contest?  Well, she thinks they’re both out soon, but she’d rather hang out with him.  
• Ashley throws out that the crew would spend way less time on makeup if Apollo came back.
• Erica: Wants Holly back, even though Holly hates her.  She thinks Apollo is very condescending, and kind of a jackass.  Plus, Holly’s warddrobe is funnier.
• We vote on baby bottles of wine or pony kegs of beer.  
• Joy: Both are deceitful, but at least Holly is so bad it’s obvious.  She enjoys hanging out with Apollo, but she’d rather have Holly back, since Apollo is a better liar.  Good reasoning, Joy.
• Robin: Has her face always been so big and shiny?  She doesn’t think the cards are really Apollo’s strategy.  Why are they all talking so much about how much they like each other?  Robin also says that, even though Holly’s a liar, her lies are so transparent that it’s better to have her around.  Apollo’s lies are dangerous.  Robin is willing to give her another chance to come back with another strategy
• Kevin: Thinks Apollo is the most deceptive, manipulative strategy.  Apparently, he told them that he was pretending to have no strategy to get to know things they could use against them later, which is shady.  Holly’s primary fault is being young and inexperienced.  Her game might have worked against other 21 year olds.  Good point. 
• I think they should send Melissa back to the house.  
• Mike: Says everyone else is overthinking it.  He’d rather sit in the hot tub with Holly.    I actually appreciate the simplicity of that, although he’s pretending to be joking.  He then says that he likes Apollo better and doesn’t think he has a shot at winning.  He brought no clothes and a ton of mystical potions and ground up ants.  That’s actually very interesting.  
• Also, Holly told everyone that Stephanie had a muffin top, which is a good reason for us all to vote against her.  None of the other women in the house are 21, so they all mock Holly thinking she won’t get one some day.  Ori tells us she likes muffins.
• Ori tells them that she’s getting hot and could use a beverage.  We hear a beer can open.  Nice.  
•   As they wait to hear what the viewers sent them, Erica asks for super soakers filled with vodka.  Sorry, Erica, that would be awesome to watch, so it’s not going to happen.  They get baby bottles of wine - it looks like they all get red.  Robin tells Erica that the baby basket would be a lovely home for Dr. Fluffles.  It is pretty cute, but I'd rather have a super soaker.

                 

• Ori tells them that baby bottles full of wine are apropos, because some of them whine like infants.  I love her.
• They’re doing something - I think they’re emptying Andrea’s bottle and filling it with juice so she can participate without having to drink.  That would at least make sense.  We see her rinsing the bottle in the sink, and she picks water because you’re not supposed to give babies apple juice.  You’re not a baby, Andrea.
• Mike walks in and comments on how much Andrea and Ashley have in common, which makes me think he wants to recruit her for his team.
• Back in the living room, Erica tells us that, since she’s in the enemies room with someone, they’ve decided to fight all the time.  There is some mention of pillow fights.  Stephanie agrees to mediate.  I’m not clear on who Erica is actually sharing the room with.  Ashley?  Andrea?
• They talk about how difficult it is to get any liquid from the bottles.  Erica asks the viewers to tell Ori to give them Bachelor news.  Stephanie suggests that Emily bring a date to the house, and offers to cook them dinner.
• Robin is also not drinking. I’m wondering if that’s allowed.  Andrea has a religious objection, which I get.
• In the kitchen, Stephanie tries to enlarge the hole in the nipple, so Ori shows them random tweet.
• Andrew DeBate said that he wants the show on every day.  That person must have no life at all.
• Erin Fenlon is officially hooked.
• Aarii Neverson wants Holly back because she never did anything wrong.  That is untrue.
• Sara Matthes hates Alex.
• Shawn Stepp loves Jeffrey and “givey uppy face.”
• Dylan wants everyone to vote for Apollo.
• This is boring.  Why am I surprised?  Jeffrey said it would be crazy if someone they knew popped up.  I note that they do not share the tweet from whoever said, “Your show sucks.  Cancel it.”  Jessica calls Apollo a “paranoid wackadoodle” and they all get excited.  Gene starts talking about the Glass House Dictionary.  Whatever.
• My live feed freezes, so I miss stuff.  It sounds like the viewers want Kevin to be the next Bachelor.  Someone called him old.  Everyone else reassures him that he’s hot.
• We vote on pointless shit as ABC posts tweets that make it look like people actually enjoy this show.  I would be more interested in the votes if I thought ABC actually did anything with them.  Yes, I think Gene threw the game.  No, I don’t think ABC is going to tell Gene I said that.
• Ori tells the players that, for the rest of the day, they must wear anything but clothes.  I hope some of them have watched Project Runway.  If I were one of them, I probably would have dive bombed on the rug. 
• Ori’s drawers are full of things like garbage bags, caution tape, duct tape, and other stuff.  The players get to “impress” us by showing us their creativity.  Luckily, Ori tells them to keep their underwear on.  That’s good, because I do not want to see balls.  Ori tells us that we’ll be voting when they’re done.

                       

• We’re asked to vote on whether they should share their best or worst Halloween costume story.  Maybe they should talk about something we actually care about hearing about!  Maybe the live feed would have been a good time to have the explosive Prop. 8 debate that the viewers were begging to see, and which we know occurred.  I am so annoyed. 
• Andrea is doing something on the carpet with duct tape.  Ashley appears to have a pretty cute dress made out of a trash bag.  We get to watch Joy strip down to her underwear, and I’m shocked that it doesn’t really match.  Hot pink bra and red ruffled boyshorts with polka dots?  Huh.  Erica wraps her in aluminum foil.  Watching her move and walk will be interesting.  Erica tells Joy that she can’t sit, and Joy realizes that Ori could very well make them wear these “outfits” all night.  Joy wraps red cellophane around her aluminum foil dress.  If any men are voting, she’ll win, as she’s barely covered.
• Kevin and Mike are making green cellophane kilts.  They seem to really like spending time together.  Hmmmm…..  Mike makes a comment about the tweets, which Kevin ignores entirely.
• I randomly think how funny it will be if they get drunk enough to go in the hot tub in these “outfits”
• Ori tells them to share a personal story while they’re working.  She tells them that the viewers chose worst Halloween costume.  Andrea bitches that best would be better and Ori cuts in, “Well, they picked worst!”  Awesome.  The voters are voting again.   
• Ashley:  Raised in a very Christian household, so she wasn’t allowed to dress up and therefore had no bad costumes.  That’s her story?  No wonder no one is voting for her.  Kinda lame.
• Gene:   His mom wouldn’t let him go trick or treating, but he made his own costume and went anyway.  He wound up with a Smurf mask, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles t-shirt, a pillowcase cape, sweat pants, and fuzzy slippers.  He told people he was a Halloween reject.  He got loads of candy, but then his mom got mad and took it away.  Really good.
• Kevin: Ori yells at him for taking his microphone off.   Long, awkward pause.
• Jeffrey: At his first big NY parade, it was massive chaos, so he just wore a crazy hat.  People saw it, thought he was wearing an awesome costume, and were disappointed when he approached to see that it was just a hat.  Apparently, the voters need like 10 minutes to vote on Jeffrey’s story, so we watch them all continue to work on their outfits in more or less silence.  None of these people should try out for Project Runway.
• The feed screws up, so I have to refresh.  I think, instead of watching another Lay’s commercial, I should go to bed.  It’s been a long day.  More when ABC makes the feeds available online.
• Ok, we’re back.  More stories:
• Andrea: There was a last minute party, and no costumes planned, so they borrowed a football uniform and cheerleader costume and they played the king and queen of high school.  Ugh.  The viewers hate Andrea’s story, too.
• Stephanie is wearing this cute belly dancer-like outfit.  She tells us that her mom makes awesome costumes.  The worst was this giant shark head that resulted in netting over her face… which means she couldn’t eat any of the candy she was getting.  Ori tells us that the viewers get extra time to vote.  Is this because they have nothing else to do to fill three hours?  We’re literally just watching Stephanie dance around in the living room, waiting for her results.  No one is talking, and it’s a little weird.  She’s filling the silence by talking about other costumes she and her brother did over the years.  One year, she was a belly dancer, but it was freezing, so she had to wear long underwear with it.  That’s funny.  Then she tells us that her dad wore a gorilla costume and ran around scaring trick or treaters.  She said she was never anything “uber-dorky.”  Oh, sweetie.  I think you *are* the uber-dorky, but it’s cute, so it’s OK.  Stephanie asks if the reason she doesn’t have any results yet is if she’s still talking, so she pauses.  Ori thanks her for her silence.  FINALLY, we find out that the story was kinda lame.
• Erica: She was a viking queen, and, apparently, she had giant socks in her bra.  People made comments that gave her the “bad touch feeling,” so she started crying after a few houses and went home.  Really good.
• Joy:  She’s talking about going to Victoria’s Secret and wearing lingerie to a costume party.  Of course, she’s a playboy model.  There’s a problem with Joy’s aluminum foil and her microphone, but her entire outfit is aluminum foil.  I think Ori just wants to see her naked.  She’s fixing it, and she’s ready to continue, but Ori tells her to wait for the vote.  Joy doesn’t understand what they’re voting on, since she hasn’t finished her story.  
• Erica points out that Ori asks a lot of questions, but doesn’t seem to tell them anything in return.  Ori tells Erica that it’s not about her.
• Joy duct tapes her microphone to her leg so she can continue her story:  Blah, blah, lingerie.  She went to the party, and three other girls were wearing the exact same outfit from Victoria’s Secret, but the rest of them were wearing the same.  She wound up walking around in her underwear.  I guarantee it was a Playboy part.  Ashley mocks Joy for stealing the votes by talking about walking around naked.
• While people vote, Ori reminds them not to cover their microphones with tin foil.  Joy points out that maybe they shouldn’t have provided it, then.
• God this is boring.  Waiting for people to vote sucks - especially because no one cares what the viewers think of the story.  Kinda lame.
• Robin: While in college, Robin decided to be the devil in a blue dress, which is actually very clever.  She had a tight blue dress, horns, tail, etc.  She had a huge fight with her boyfriend and left with some other guy.  She took off everything but the dress - then the police showed up and, apparently, thought she was dressed like a hooker, and she got arrested.
• Jeffrey and Stephanie are talking about playing on the gay farm.  Steph invites Erica and Joy to join them.  Erica would like to send “un-invitations” to Jacob and Alex, because they hate them.  She would also like to send un-invitations to her wedding to people who were jerks in high school.  Erica wanders away, and they start discussing the wine.  Ori told us there’s more in the pantry, so that’s good.  Apparently, they’re allowed to talk about Hairspray, so that makes me think that Disney must get royalites from the movie.
• Robin has created a sort of french maid outfit out of the tin foil.  It’s really cute.  Anyway, the viewers think her story was really good.
• Kevin:  Gene Simmons from Kiss costume, in a box.  He was about 5 at the time, holding the mask on, because the elastic broke.  The costume was made out of really crappy material.  I know what he’s talking about, because I remember my awful Cabbage Patch Kids costume from around the same time period.  Really good.
• While we’re waiting for the vote, Ashley calls bullshit on always being “randomly selected” to go first.  I noticed that.  Oh my god, I love Joy’s little sailer hat and dress.  She takes the hat off, which makes me sad, because it’s adorable.
• Mike:  As a kid, he and his brothers dressed as hobos.  His mom gathered a bunch of hobo clothing. There wasn’t enough boy hobo clothes, so he had to dress like a girl, and he would up looking like Jeffrey. Yes, he said that.  Apparently, he got beat up by the neighborhood bully, who stole his candy.  That’s really sad.  Really good.
• They’re all hanging out in the kitchen, and Jeffrey comes in wearing an awesome pick afro wig with his trash bag dress.  He looks good.  Erica walks around calling for her mechanical cat.  Sweetie, I don’t think he’s going to answer.
• I hope y’all appreciate this, because I can barely force myself to pay attention and stay awake.  It’s awful.
• Cut to the bathroom.  Steph is modeling her adorable crop top and little skirt.  Joy turned herself into a nurse - before I saw the front of the hat, I thought she was Mrs. Claus.  Oops.  It’s still super cute.  This is dumb.  They’re all just wandering around.  No one is saying anything interesting.  It’s really awkward.  Ori tells them to finish their costumes, because the voting will commence soon.  Kevin has duct tape on his nipples.  Gene is still wearing pants.  Then, we have to watch him remove them.  Thanks, ABC.
• Robin is now a french maid with mouse ears.  They keep calling her a kitty, but, sorry, those are mouse ears.
• I’m not really paying attention as they parade around and explain their outfits.  If I were voting, I’d vote for Jeffrey, because his outfit is fabulous.  Plus, Gene is still wearing a shirt, and that’s cheating.  
• While we wait for the viewers to vote on the mens’ costumes, the ladies ask whether there’s a prize.  Has their been a prize for anything so far?  Ori tells Mike and Kevin that the viewers are still voting,but not on them.  Ha! They walk away.  Gene wins.
• We vote on the girls.  Stephanie’s shoes look like they’re also made of duct tape, which is cool.  She says that she actually thinks her outfit could be worn elsewhere.  Not by me, unless I do about 30,000 sit-ups.  Andrea tells us that she’s hot.  Modest, too, Andrea.  Ashley’s dress is really freaking cute.  She has caution tape stuck to her shoe, which she tells us is intentional.  Her dress has pockets!!  She made a trash bag dress with pockets to hold her lipstick.  That’s awesome.  Robin crawls out on a leash held by Mike, and gives me nightmares.  I am horrified by what I am seeing.  She is now drinking milk out of a bowl.  Cats have pointy ears.  Mice have round ears.  Those are fucking mouse ears, even if they have leopard print on them.  I can never unsee that.    Ok, look:  

                           
                    These are cat ears.                                                     These are mouse ears.

• Erica looks like a supermodel.  She’s wearing “caution” tape in her “Date Disclaimer” dress.  Dr. Fluffles join her on the runway. Joy’s a “naughty nurse,” so I assume she won.  She doesn’t even bother to really try to strut or explain.  She knows.
• Everyone awkwardly stands around and is really boring while people vote. Erica and Stephanie play with Dr. Fluffles.  ABC, FIX THIS!  THIS IS STUPID AND NOT FUN TO WATCH!  Ok, sorry.  It comes down to Andrea and Joy, which is a bit surprising.  Joy wins.  I honestly don’t even believe it was close.
• Oh, god, I’m not even halfway through the feed.  That is so depressing.
• Now we have to wait while people vote for football Gene or nurse Joy.  Zzzzzzzzzz.  I check my email.  Oh, look!  I have a new follower on Twitter!  Yes, that really is more interesting than this feed.
• More awkward standing around, so they all do shout-outs to all their friends.  Since none of them are talking to me, I don’t care.  Gene wins, telling me that mostly women are currently watching.  I move to clear out my inbox, which I haven’t done in awhile.
• Ori tells us that the viewers are directly controlling the house, but I don’t buy it.  She says that she’s going to ask them questions that we post on Twitter.  The viewers vote on “What is your biggest insecurity?  Be honest - no ‘my weakness is I’m too awesome.’”  vs. “If you had a magic lamp and were given three wishes, what would they be?”  *sigh*  They’re never going to post my questions, are they?  Maybe I should post something other than questions asking why the show sucks so hard.
• Ashley is “randomly” selected to go first for something like the 7th time in a row.  Hmmm… I think Ori’s Magic 8 ball may be broken.  She hates to lose, which really isn’t an insecurity.  Also - no one likes losing!  I get accused of being a poor loser every time I point this out, but it’s true!  Anyway, then she says that she’s insecure about her skin.
• We're at the halfway point, so I'm going to stop, load, and take a break, before this becomes the world's longest blog entry.  Part 2 should be up in a few hours.