The recapper just called Holly the “twenty-two year-old virgin.” Huh. We’re reminded that Kevin and Mike are a bunch of jerks. It then tells us who everyone else is. I assume this was done in an effort to try to pick up viewers from Bachelor Pad, since Emily’s fans on The Bachelorette have been tuning out like crazy. I know these people, so I sit back while ABC wastes more of my time. I’m bored already. That’s not a good sign.
As Holly and Andrea goes down the tubes, Stephanie tells us that, for the first time since the beginning, “There are more wieners in the house than vaginas.” Nice. Kevin tells us in the confessional that he’s doomed if Andrea doesn’t return - way to support Holly.
In the kitchen, Jeffrey tells Mike and Kevin that he wasn’t the one who threw the stone at Kevin. They decide it must be Gene, so Kevin switches to trash-talking Gene. It’s al little refreshing, since he’s not talking about the girls for a change. Jeffrey says that Gene is the biggest competition.
Random cut. Apparently, the girls decided to have a kissing competition with Jeffrey. Erica starts. She tells us that she was imagining kissing Kevin. Kevin doesn’t look that happy. Joy actually removes Kevin’s glasses and then mounts him before kissing him. This is crazy porno tongue. It’s, to quote Mike, “Dirty.” Kevin and Mike both look appalled, yet strangely intrigued. Gene does not look happy. Poor guy. The judges say that, with Joy, they got a “strip club gone too far vibe.” Joy wins for showmanship. Erica wins for authenticity. Joy wants to know what made Erica’s kiss more authentic, and Steph tells her that it was very porno. Kevin tries to act like he didn’t agree and throws it all on Stephanie.
The next morning, the players are called into the living room. Ori tells them that the viewers were voting on walking backwards all day, or skipping everywhere. Walking backwards wins, of course. Stephanie tells us the results of matching the players up with their high school personas, and they all commit and walk around acting like weird high school students. Erica- drama queen, Jeffrey - class clown, Joy - the tease,Kevin - the jock, Mike - the bully, Gene - class president, and Stephanie (surprise!)- the nerd. At the end of the party, Erica says that Kevin has been flirting with her all night, and she is going to spoon with him, no matter what anyone says. Erica climbs into Kevin’s bed. Instead of asking her to leave, Kevin goes and finds Stephanie, and asks her to remove Erica from his bedroom for him. What a pussy. Stephanie is infinitely a better person than Kevin, so she went in there to ask Erica to share pizza with her. Erica is humiliated and crying. She leaves as Kevin says, “That’s the last thing I need.” Erica climbs into bed in the friends room with Gene and Joy. She’s really upset. We cut to commercial, as she’s crying.
When we return, we’re at the toga party from last Monday night. It’s actually been a few days, but we don’t see that. Erica is upset with Kevin for having Steph pull her out of his bed. He tries to say that he wants to make bad decisions sober, not bad decisions drunk. Then he’s all douchey about how he made a mistake. He promises not to hurt her feelings. Mike tells us that Kevin is “1000% uninterested.” Joy says that maybe Kevin should tell Erica how he feels before having Mike tell all of America. She’s got a valid point, although I don’t think it came out right. I’d rather have a guy break up with me in person than have his friend do it behind my back on national TV. Anyway, Joy goes to climb into bed to pout, and Gene tells Steph that he’s decided to sleep in the solo bedroom for one week. They’re hanging out, chatting, as Joy watches them through the curtain. Nothing is happening, but the weird camera angles try to make it look like it is. Joy yells at Gene, and pulls all the blankets off the friends bed to go sleep on the couch. Gene has no idea what he did wrong. You’re not the only one, Gene.
Erica walks in, and Joy tells her what Mike said. Erica goes off to confront Mike. Mike admits to telling Joy that Kevin couldn’t be less interested in her. She asks Kevin point-blank how he feels. He non-answers, and Mike tries to explain to her how Kevin feels. Are they really in high school? Then Kevin says that he and Erica spoke about it outside. She’s upset that Mike told everyone. Joy and Mike have a big fight, again, about how Mike is a complete jackass with no sense of appropriate behavior or boundaries. Now that I know what all of his censorship tweets are about, I agree fifteen times more with Joy.
Ori calls them into the living room. Holly and Andrea come up the tubes, and Holly goes back down. I knew this was coming, yet I’m still sad. I’ve decided to spend the rest of this recap pretending Andrea doesn’t exist. When I write SnootyBitch, you’ll know who I mean. We see SnootyBitch talking to Kevin. He tells her that Jeffrey came to them and told him that he wants Gene and Joy out. They also claim that Gene is two-faced for voting for Kevin - the viewers told him to, basically. Whatever. Gene really is getting a bad edit. Anyway, he makes a comment to Joy about how the viewers will keep her around to make him happy, and she gets all mad and says something like, “I’m not your concubine” and storms off. That’s hilarious. Everyone else thinks so, too.
Move to the Team Captain reveal. This is interesting, because it’s only 25 minutes in. Last week, we got this at 10:48. Oh, well. The lowest two are Stephanie and Mike. Kevin is surprised. Stephanie has the least votes, so Mike gets to pick first. In the confessional, Mike is so excited that Stephanie is in the bottom, and Fuckingwhorebitchassfaceslutbombskankysnottyprude is in the background dancing and squeling like a stuck pig having its first orgasm. God, I hate her.
Back in the living room, everyone is surprised. Gene tells us that the viewers made a mistake and they need to get to know the “real Stephanie.” If you watch all the live feeds you see her, and she’s great, but I doubt anyone but me is watching the live feeds. Steph is really upset. She’s talking to Joy, trying to figure out why she’s in the bottom. She’s worried that she’s not being open enough and that she’s too reserved, so the viewers don’t like the logical side. The next morning, they draft teams. Mike does not want Kevin on his team, because he knows he can’t beat Kevin in limbo. He picks Gene. Oh, Mike, you can’t beat Gene, either. Steph winds up with Erica, Joy, and Kevin, and Mike gets Jeffrey and Andrea. Kevin acts surprised not to get picked. Stephanie is suspicious that Mike didn’t pick Kevin. In the bedroom, Kevin is telling Mike that his team has no reason to want to win. That’s why Mike probably should have picked Kevin. Anyway, Mike ponders his folly as we head to commercial.
We’re back. The challenge. The teams have to decode a series of clues to reach an answer on one final question. The winning team puzzle solver gets a prize. Stephanie reminds us that she loves puzzles, so she wants to be the puzzle solver. I’m not really sure this is so much puzzle solving and more matching shit. It’s weird. They call out words and roll around and then Steph gets a bunch of pictograms to put together. Kevin tells us that the idea of throwing the challenge never occurred to him, solely because he never wanted to go against Stephanie in limbo, and he knew he was going if they lost. As I’m looking at the challenge, it wouldn’t have been easy for him to throw - he’s working with Erica, spinning on a wheel. It would have been super easy if he was working against her. Anyway, team two enters. Mike says that Gene is a brilliant guy, and the best one to be puzzle solver. In confession, Jeffrey admits that he was trying to figure out how to mess it up while on the wheel. Gene actually does rock the first clue - he gets it without going through all of the clues. But Mike claims that, watching Gene, he was acting like “a drunk tree sloth.” We do see one of them that’s wrong, which Mike should have caught, but he missed it. It’s clear from the video that, while Jeffrey is not trying at all, the one Mike messed up was responsible for a huge loss of time. Why am I recapping this? Does anyone care? My favorite part is SnottyBitch scrambling and pulling as hard as she can to spin the wheel, and Jeffrey just sitting there, chilling. He’s not even touching the wheel. Mike is freaking out and bitching about Gene as we go to commercial.
Back in the living room, we learn that the bonus prize for the puzzle solver was a VIP package for two at Cesar’s Palace and Celine Dion tickets. I want to go! Anyway, Stephanie’s team did the challenge in just under 12 minutes. Mike’s team took 17 minutes. I wonder how much of that was wasted by Gene looking for the “-ers” after Mike wrongly told him to use it. Anyway, Stephanie is really excited to be going to Vegas. Cut to Jeffrey telling Stephanie and Erica that he’s thinking about volunteering for limbo to bump Mike out and try to force Andrea into being Team Captain. Stephanie thinks it’s too risky. I realize that huge risks come with huge rewards, but… I don’t know if I would do it. I can appreciate Jeffrey’s point of view, but I’m a little afraid. Erica’s worried that the viewers would vote to Mike purely to screw them, but Jeffrey thinks that the kind of people who watch this show would go for it. Mike tells us that he’s thinking a lot about his kids, and he let them down. Quit, Mike, quit! DO IT! DO IT!!! Mike goes back to blaming Gene for his loss. Mike is talking to the pictures of his kids. Weird.
After the break, Andrea is sure she’s going to limbo. She and Kevin vote for Jeffrey. Erica also votes for Jeffrey, but she’s sad about it. She’s afraid, but he said it was what he wanted to do. We see Jeffrey vote for himself. I hope this pays off, Jeffrey. Everyone voted for Jeffrey. Mike is happy, and Kevin says, “You got your wish.” UGH. I sincerely and desperately hope that Mike does not come back. Erica is crying as she says good-bye to Jeffrey and Mike. I hope this is the last time I ever have to see Mike’s face. Nope - now he’s going off on Jeffrey volunteering for limbo and insisting that we not reward that behavior. I will always do the exact opposite of what Mike tells me. Jeffrey tells us that he’s trusting in the viewers. He hopes it pays off. Me, too.
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